ups & downs


“When it comes to most true bipolars, consider this thought: Genius by birth, bipolar by design.”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

A gift which causes more trouble than one can imagine and gives one more fun than one person at a time deserves. All the energy and inspiration one person would possibly need. It feels endless and at times you feel like you could fly over the rainbow and follow the flowing stream of color the stars set in motion. But the mania can always slip away too far. Without someone or something to help you with your bearings you could zoom out into space and never return.

“Second star to the right, straight on till morning.” Peter Pan

The grandiosity of bipolar when it hits, makes you feel in total control. No stopping you ever. Surprise! CRASH & BURN.

When it flips to Downs, you head straight toward the earth, and bipolar brings on the deepest state of depression, OUT OF NO WHERE! Always a surprise a moment. Not the kind you necessarily desire.

Ups & Downs. Ups are great if they don’t take you too far out into the manic mind-fields. Downs, are contrary, they take you to the deepest, darkest of moods, overflowing with physically emotional pain, almost certain to carry you into a divine madness filled with thoughts of suicide, wantings of physical pain making one bleed. Wanting the blood to drain from inside your flesh. This thought, you think, will cause the pain to be released.

Lies. Suicide is not the answer. But it is like fighting with the demons from Hell to fend off death from grabbing your hand to lead you away. More like hypnosis, it whispers, there is nothing to hold you here. Pulling on your strengths to resist, you replace the thoughts the demons whisper in a hiss, with thoughts of what reasons would help you to see you need to stay alive. It could be a fight for your life for any hour, a day, a month, a year, or for as long as you are able to stay alive.


“Up/Down” Bipolar Documentary [FULL MOVIE] 2011

Ups & Downs pulls together the pages very much related to the beneficial treatment of Bipolar & other issues connected to helping you cope with life from Medical Marijuana to Meditation to Inspiration from Music to creating an Appetite where one doesn’t exist.

I will be adding and editing all of these pages as often as I find something new to add or when I feel they need refreshing. I hope you find something helpful, inspirational, calming, enjoyable, and healing. So much more can be said. I will try to close what I have written up to now with a quotation fitting for the conclusion to this introduction.




A Quote on YouTube I found under the video following showing Famous Bipolars. Many, I am certain will be recognized.

“Bipolar people are obviously not ordinary. In fact, they seem to excel in whatever they do. Geniuses and Bipolar people think out of the box and pursue things the average person (the so called perfectly ordinary and perfectly sane person) might think is a little “crazy”. I’m not exactly sure what the criterion for being Bipolar is, but it must include striving for perfection, being brave, having an open mind and pursuing greatness in whatever they love to do.”

A-Z OF FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO ARE BIPOLAR [prefer to alter the title. I do not feel Bipolar is always a disorder, My feeling for myself is I am Bipolar-In-Order & continually working at it remaining so.

“I AM come of a race noted for vigor of fancy and ardor of passion. Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence–whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought–from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in waking, to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret. In snatches, they learn something of the wisdom which is of good, and more of the mere knowledge which is of evil. They penetrate, however, rudderless or compassless into the vast ocean of the “light ineffable”, and again, like the adventures of the Nubian geographer, “agressi sunt mare tenebrarum, quid in eo esset exploraturi”. [Translation: “They adventures into the sea of darkness, in order to explore what it might contain.”]

We will say then, that I am mad.”
― Edgar Allan Poe, Eleonora

8 thoughts on “ups & downs

    • You are amazing to take the time to see into bipolar, listen to this brave woman talking so honestly about her experiences. What she says, I relate to on so many levels & her speaking out about how medicinal marijuana helps her, may lead many to discovering there are alternatives to the poisoning of your body. That is what all the psych medications did to me. As times evolves, I will share some of what I mean by my relating to what she says in ways that are very disturbing. It is. also, why I need a psychotherapist to talk to on speed dial. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I really appreciate your work on this page. I am a diagnosed Bipolar Type I with Psychotic Tendencies (for anyone who reads this comment that means that while having either a manic or depressive or mixed episode, I frequently check out of reality). I have also been diagnosed with PTSD stemming from a sexual assault when I was 16, Panic Disorder with and without Agoraphobia (sometimes I can leave the house, other times not so much), as well as Generalized Anxiety (been anxious and convinced that something bad will happen for as long as I can remember), and Adult ADD (as if Bipolar disorder and flight of ideas wasn’t enough). I tend to be rapid cycling in “real” life with about 4-5 mixed episodes per year. These can vary is severity and duration.

    Right now, I am in one of the worst mixed states I have been in since the diagnoses. It is currently going on about a month since anything in my world has been “normal”. I have trouble sleeping well because the treatment for ADD involves heavy duty stimulants, and even though I take two different mood stabilizers (both atypical anti-psychotics on of which makes me sleep) I am still manic and depressed. I don’t eat much (ADD meds again), my sleep/wake cycles are completely out of whack, I just went through and am still dealing with the fallout of a difficult personal issue (probably not helping the sleep thing), it is Christmas time and everyone is supposed to be happy and jolly (well, I am not), I am having strong feelings of guilt and shame and, as a consequence, am not reaching out to people because I don’t want to impose on them, and that is the just the beginning. Mostly, I am trying to keep myself out of the hospital, and trying to avoid the game I play with myself where I line up the pill bottles and wonder if there is enough there to end this. Thus far, I have been successful. It is only two weeks until the New Year, and I usually calm down.

    I really wish, like you, that we had better and standard medicinal marijuana laws nationwide. My state does have a medicinal marijuana law that allows you to get marijuana from a dispensary but you have to have an approved diagnosis (I have two: Bipolar and PTSD), and you have to have a doctor sign off on your application. Unfortunately, the medical director of the behavioral health unit of my hospital doesn’t believe in medical marijuana. I asked. My doctor has no problem with it but he can’t prescribe under the policies of the hospital.You can also get a “grow license” that allows a person to grow their own marijuana. I do not know the procedure, but I do know that there aren’t very many of them. If I were to want to get a prescription for marijuana to help alleviate my nearly constant anxiety, I would have to spend between $150 and $200 dollars to see a different physician. And, even then I am not guaranteed to be approved. It is just easier to know a grower, and get it straight from the source which, as you have stated, is prohibitively expensive. I would much rather control mood swings, anxiety problems, sleep and appetite problems with marijuana. It worked for years until the “official” diagnosis, and then I was on the “med-go-round”. Now, I have to deal with the side effects of the drugs that keep me and others sane. Then, there are the times when the meds don’t work. Like now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have moved me so much with your comment that I have made a new entry at the top of the BIPOLAR page. It has been inspired by you. I have been lucky or better said, fortunate, to have surrounding me now in my life, people who believe in me and are helping me to grow and to feel better. I have escaped a prison and now feel free. I wish you could be in the place I am in or to at least join me. I never thought I would have the feeling I have at this moment. It may be fleeting but it feels real right now. I did a Tarot reading recently for myself from the cards of the Rider Waite Deck I placed in a Carousel Slideshow on ‘the secret keeper’ in the right column. I randomly chose where to begin reading the 10 cards plus one. My significator card was The FOOL. I am about to step off of a ledge into a precipice. What I needed was faith, to believe, if only a little, that I would be safe. Everything would turn out the way it was meant to be. I believe it is doing that right now.

      If I told you the past few years have been an absolute hell of madness. Nothing felt right but I had no clue what I was in the middle of until I found my way out. I was a blind person trying to find a dark doorway where the side I was on was filled with darkness mixed with shadows and no light. This last line made me remember something that should upset all the optimism I am feeling. But I won’t let it. I believe when I need something to be there, it will be. They are doing magic with stem cells. They may hold the cure for something I will need in the far off future. Now, I want to live. And I want to express myself and create. To write. To paint. To grow stronger. To be as creative as I can be. To feel love. To get past the abuse I went through in the dark. To accept the people in my life and let their love in and my love go out to them.

      I can feel the Hell you are in. The help that you need and are not receiving. I may not have been in the exact same place but I do understand and know what Hell feels like. I can’t tell you what to do to make it go away. If you had Medical Marijuana, I think, as the young woman in the video above states, MM really helps her. I feel it will help me and I feel it would help you. I am hoping, wishing and praying you are able to find a way to get a MM License. All that I have heard and read, it is suppose to be effective for Bipolar, Trauma, Pain, Sleep, Appetite, and a massive list of other ailments. I have been trying for years to promote and petition and sign letters and finally I voted for a person running for governor in my state who was running on the platform that he would put Medical Marijuana Dispensaries in my state. And he would not stop there. He said that he would eventually put it before the legislature of the state to LEGALIZE MARIJUANA. Not just to decriminalize it but pass GO and Out and Out LEGALIZE IT FOR EVERYONE. No licenses necessary ever again. Well, in 2014 he is planning to do just that. To send it to the Legislative Body of My state in order for them to take a vote to LEGALIZE MARIJUANA for Everyone.

      Presently, to get a Medical Marijuana License you have to fit certain guidelines. I do fit those guidelines. But they don’t say you can’t use the MM from a certain strain that may just work to help with say BIPOLAR. It’s just a matter of understanding the strain you need to choose. I am going to find that out as quickly as I am able to.

      Please don’t give up Hope, You are not alone. Even thought you probably feel that way. It is so easy to go to that place. You will find HOPE. Thank you for writing your comment. I hear what you are saying. Write to me when ever you want to. I will hear you. And Hopefully you will hear me whisper to you when you need to hear these words, “YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD.”

      Jennifer JkM

      Liked by 1 person

      • As always, your words are a comfort. I was really moved by your plight with the medical marijuana. I know a dispensary grower, a very old friend (27 years & counting even though we have trouble being in the same room together; too much weird water under that bridge), and he will give me his trimmings, but if I want more than just the loose trimmings, it runs $40 for 1/8th of an ounce, so an ounce is not within my reach. I think every one ought to do what Colorado did, and say fuck it (pardon) and realize people use for all manner of things, and just make it legal.

        I know intellectually that I am not alone. I know I am not the Lone Ranger. I know some people are much worse off than me as evidenced by the number of homeless that I see around town who are either mentally ill, or have PTSD from simply living on the streets. But, my heart does think I am the Lone Ranger. I have a severe mind-heart disconnect. Its a defense mechanism I developed a long time ago that keeps things in the realm of the mind, and will not allow me to feel that much emotion. It kind of doles out the emotion as I feel ready to deal with it. At this rate, I am going to be in therapy for the rest of my life, and I know my therapist will retire at some point. That’s going to suck. And my prescribing psychiatrist will eventually retire as well. Then I have find a new set that work like these two. And they are wonderful. Oh well.

        I am glad that you are in a good space right now. I was reading your “About” page this morning (very early or late, depending how you look at it), and I was really touched by the number of things that you deal with daily. You make me look like a wimp. You are a very strong person to be able to handle all of that. I just cannot figure out why the most common episode I have has to be “mixed”. You are the most motivated depressed person, and the most unmotivated manic person, and sometimes they overlap. You get stuck between two worlds. So, that’s where I am: stuck. But, I know from past experience that the Holidays subside, so, too, will these out of whack emotions.

        I am relearning how to read Tarot using the deck painted by Kat Black; The Golden Tarot. It is a Rider-Waite-Smith offshoot using the most sumptuous images drawn in the style of the Renaissance. I liked that idea since the word “renaissance” is French for rebirth. And, the symbology is almost exactly the same as the RWS deck. So, I am still working on my first three card spread in about 15 years or so. I can’t find it right now, but I do know that my present and future cards are reversed so I had to get a book on reversal meanings because I think that you cannot read reversals the same way you read the upright card. But, I believe the card in the past position was six of wands reversed, the present was the two of swords upright and the future position was Strength reversed. It is an interesting combination that i have been meditating on for about 2 weeks. i will probably do another three card spread once the Holidays are over, and see how they are different. I also have the Morgan-Greer deck which is also RWS based. I like that one too. I resonate with both so it works out. I had traded a number of decks that just didn’t fit me anymore, and I didn’t really resonate with the one I kept even though it is beautifully drawn, it just doesn’t work for me. I really like the Golden Tarot and the Morgan-Greer. I never really have liked the Rider-Waite decks. They son’t seem to have any resonance for me. I hold them for a while and they are still just cards.

        You take care of yourself. I have question but I’ll email it to you. It’s kind of private…..I hope your Holidays are going well. It is a rough time of year for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The comments preceding this one where from the Page “Bipolar.” I reset the complete breakdown & separated into more specific Pages. Hope these Pages are helpful and/or informative. I will be adding and editing in the near future. This has been an ongoing challenge for several months to get this configuration. Finally, SUCCESS! jk


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