Private Writings: Chapter #74 “The Return to Awareness”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“The Return To Awareness”
Private Writings #74
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 12th August 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #74 — “The Return To Awareness”

Tuesday 3rd February 2009

Dear Annie,

I’d like to tell you a touch about my Grandmother. She meant more to me than anyone ever has in my life. Tosh was a lot like her. Tosh died just before my Gran did. So it was a double blow. I was crushed. It was too much for me to handle. It was one of my Famous suicide attempts. Came close to succeeding then too. With all the love I felt for Tosh & Gran, I had no one to turn to to mourn their death. I felt there wasn’t a reason to survive if all that I loved was gone.

I must tell you that my grandmother had no idea what was happening inside the perverted family I was born into, with the exception of her. Once a year I was allowed to stay with her for a month during the summer. I would forget all about them. Then they came to get me. They missed their sex slave. Their whipping object. They wanted me back where they felt I belonged. When it was time to leave, I would wrap my arms around my Grandmother so tight and lock my hands behind her back. She was rather thin & I had long arms. They would tear my hands apart and they would pull and pull until they had me. Once I was in their possession again, they would drag me out to the car, and sit me in the front seat between my parental units. I think they thought I would try to escape out the car door as they attempted to drive away. Anyway, they weren’t going to take any chances. I was a slippery one. As I said before, I use to run away all of the time. Favorite place to hide was in the woods. No one ever found me there.

Sylvia Kendall crashed through into that dark nightmare and set free the demons locked up tightly inside steel bolted doors. And the evil has been running amok ever since. That is why I had to kill myself. I hated the feelings and sensations that were surfacing. The creepiness of their faces and the memories coming back in flashbacks, quick images, smells, hands with no faces, and my nightmares have returned. I don’t know how to block them any longer. I thought I had them locked away forever until Sylvia Kendall walked into my life and took it over.

You would think I would be thrilled at knowing Sylvia Kendall, after all she is the daughter of one of my favorite actors of all time. They don’t have the same last name. I think Sylvia told me once she 0wanted to make it without her mother’s help. Now I wonder just what made Sylvia into what she is today. Her mother is the epitome of Grandness. She’s British. Sylvia was born in the UK but then the family moved to the states. There were more parts available and her mother became an overnight success in the USA.

Who is her mother, you are wondering? I met her after Sylvia starred in her first film with our Studio, Infinite Imaginations, Inc. [usually referred to as III or Tres]. Our film premiered at Cannes. Her mom attended. She knew who I was, the screenwriter for the film, and she knew Scottie from her reputation as the Film Director with the Rising Star. Her name is none other than Academy & Tony Award Winner, Catherine Leighton. She is beautiful & I have had a crush on her since I was a kid & always will love her.

I agree with Catherine Leighton, Scottie knows exactly what to do with the scripts I give her. Rewrites are fun. She is easy to work with. Quiet but direct with what she wants and expects from her team. We, also, have one of the best Casting Directors. She has been with us from the very beginning. She tried to direct us away from casting Sylvia but I had to insist Scottie give her a screen test. Was it my love of her mother or was she really that good?

No matter the reason, it was an all around poor choice on my part, to coerce Scottie, that is what it felt like, to give Sylvia her chance. I couldn’t help myself. She was attractive. But then, I didn’t know her yet. No one did. We only found out after who she was related to. It was too late by the time Sylvia cast off her kitten costume, and saw the picture of Dorian Grey before our eyes. She was ugly deep inside her bones. And definitely certifiably insane. A person who needed to be locked away to protect her from the rest of us. She fucked with everyone. So don’t tell me she didn’t use her mother’s cred to get all she wanted. And screwing everyone on the way to getting her satisfaction.

I will tell you more as the story continues to unfold. She is still alive, hanging over a melting flow of lava, just waiting for her to drop. Death is such a strange element that opposes life’s existence. Life & Death are always in a battle to keep or get the good ones. Neither wins that battle they all end up in both places eventually & the good, the bad & the brute all join in Death, the final destination. Something tells me that isn’t even close to the truth of the Hereafter, if there is one. I’d like to create that illusion in my head. What it might be. I have a strong feeling we create our own afterlife & I try to imagine mine to be something special with all the animals & people I love. And it is quite similar in design to the island of Barbados.

Well, it felt good to write this to you, Annie. It makes me feel somewhat lighter. It gives me a sense of positivity. That is good.

Goodnight. Ciao Ciao!!!

Love,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker


Maksim – Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry[Dedicated to Annie]

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She also has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

 

Private Writings: Chapter #72 – “Waiting on Death”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“Waiting on Death”
Private Writings #72
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 29th July 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #72 — “Waiting on Death”

Tuesday 20th January 2009

Dear Annie,

It has been too long a time since the accident & our daughter Alison is still in a coma. I can’t bear the thought of losing her. The doctors all say this is a good sign. She needs to be unconscious to do any of the extreme healing she needs to do in order to survive & to have a complete recovery. The doctors won’t guarantee anything. Not even that she will wake up from her coma. Her injuries were so severe.

I have tried, Annie, to keep only positive thoughts inside my mind for Alison. Letting doubt in will only lessen her chances to survive. I would like to think of her as resting. She needs time to sleep. The quiet and rest will help her to heal faster. But I need to see her all the time. And to be close to Scottie. We all need to be together now.

Scottie told me Jamie has been at the hospital since everything fell apart. Jamie is watching over us all. Her staying with Scottie and Alison before I was able to get out of Redcliff was reassuring. Jamie was kind to represent me when my girls needed help & I was out of commission. That’s okay. No jealousy when it comes to Jamie. I love Jamie. She is so good for both my girls and for me, too. Jamie is family.

Before I could get home, James’ health started declining. The hospital allowed him to stay in Alison’s room. He became depressed in my absence and went on an eating strike. The vet couldn’t find anything specifically wrong. He is my baby and was my Grandmother’s baby. He, of course, misses Gran. So, my disappearing for so long, he just couldn’t bear it.

Gran was wise in preparing for when she would be gone. She left the majority of her Estate to James & me. Some money she left to her Special Causes & Charities. It stated in Her Will that James was to be cared for by me & we were to have most of her financial estate as well as her physical property. James & I were to go on living together in her mansion “Le Chateau de Rocher” with Scottie & all the rest of our feline crew. We inherited her staff as well. They knew me & we all blend together famously. So the estate was shared by James and me with all of us living there. My grandmother loved James and she loved Scottie. She was very approving and supportive of our relationship. The rest of the ones I do not speak of were given nothing. Not even a word was mentioned of them in Her Will. They were really pissed off, so I was told was quoted in the daily gossip online.

It’s time for me to stop. I need to rest. Writing shorter letters, to me short, is all I can manage. Not much has changed. Will contact you immediately if it does.

Goodnight. Ciao Ciao!!!

Love,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker


Maksim – Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry[Dedicated to Annie]

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She also has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

 

Private Writings: Chapter #70 – “Her Name Is Sylvia Kendall”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“Her Name Is Sylvia Kendall”
Private Writings #70
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 15th July 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #70 — “Her Name Is Sylvia Kendall”

Tuesday 6th January 2009

Dear Annie,

Her name is SYLVIA KENDALL.

How could I have forgotten her name of all names. PTSD maybe. She is the one who hurt me. She is the person who pushed me the final step over the edge. It wasn’t nice for her to do. The accident at the set. Sylvia was driving but she had a valuable passenger who just wanted to do a small part in our film. How was anyone to know she would crash the car, trying to take our daughter Alison Porter with her. The detectives are pushing for attempted suicide. But there is going to be a full investigation. It’s not everyday accidents like this happen while filming a scene where there are no stunts and there shouldn’t have been any danger in the scene.

Sylvia did it to me, trying to destroy me, and now to my daughter. Mine and Scottie’s daughter. Sylvia is in critical condition in the ICU at Cedar Sinai, dying I have heard. Letting her go is not the hard part but she is trying to take our daughter Alison Porter along with her. Only thing is, they wouldn’t be going in the same direction.

Alison is in critical condition, also. Her vitals are dangerously low. She has swelling on the brain. I can’t bear the thought of losing her. Scottie is by her side. She had a bed brought in for her in Alison’s private room. Last time Scottie contacted me in a text, she told me Alison was in a coma and on a ventilator. Alison broke an assortment of bones, along with a concussion. That is why it is essential she wake up soon.

I have to get out of Redcliff. I must see her, Alison. If anything happens to her. If she doesn’t make it, I don’t know what I will do. I need to be with her and Scottie. They need me. Please, Annie, if you can do anything, get me out of here. Once Alison is safe and back home, I promise I will return. You can monitor me while I am out. I could be in contact with you every day or as much as you want me to be. I spoke to Dr. V. She feels it would be difficult for me to see Alison in this condition after the way that Tosh died or was murdered. I’m sure she was murdered.

I will explain what my feelings are about Tosh dying in an identical accident. It is identical, isn’t it?

Just get me home, Annie. Now, PLEASE. I need to see Alison & Scottie. And I really need to see you & to smoke some Medical Marijuana. My nerves have fallen off the edge WANT into an extremely STRONG NEED.

Bring me home.

Goodnight. Ciao Ciao!!!

Love,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker


Maksim – Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry[Dedicated to Annie]

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She also has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

 

Private Writings: Chapter #68 – “Loving You Loving Me”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“Loving You Loving Me”
Private Writings #68
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 1st July 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #68 — “Loving You Loving Me”

Tuesday 23rd December 2008

Dear Annie,

Once again I am writing to you after an insomniac’s night of twisted shadows. But mostly, my sleep was shallow. I feel more upset now than I did when I was writing to you before my dreams that turned into ‘the shadow’ nightmares. It was too bad for me to remember. She wants me to be tortured and she sure as Hell doesn’t want me telling you the secrets.

Between you and ‘the shadow’ you’ve got me twisted inside out and upside down. I am very confused about what I feel because I don’t know what I feel except I think it feels like what being in love would feel like. But I don’t even know what being in love is. This is something we really need to talk about.

When I feel love it wants me to tell you something. Something so hard for me to say. I wish I didn’t have to say it out loud. People get crazy when you say these words to them. But since I need for you to know I will say the words. Make believe I am saying these words out loud. Here I go, Annie, you mean everything to me and I never could bear losing you. But to be sure you know what my true feelings are I have to tell you, that I love you.

I know it is a powerful feeling. What we have between us, as therapist and client, is powerful. The energy is sometimes all consuming. What can I say, I know what I feel. It may not be real to you but it feels damned real to me and the next time I write I am going to tell you as honestly and directly as possible, what exactly I understand to be my feelings for you. When I tell you, I love you, I mean each word. The “I” that is spoken of is what is my Identity. Since I have a difficult time determining that, my commitment to what words I use are as strong as my connection with reality will allow.

As far as talking to ghosts, I will continue writing down what they are telling me. And I will ask Angie specifically, “What do you want from me?” But I figured out the answer to that question already. Angie wants me to help her catch her murderer. Hopefully without them trying to murder me first, the one who murdered Angie, the ghosts aren’t murdering me.

Don’t pay me any attention. This has developed into one of the most in sane weeks yet at Redcliff so far. Most of my section is filled with non-violent women, who have no idea who they are or why they are here. Helen is still completely silent. What happened to push her into the quiet space suddenly. She loved telling her stories. Even if she didn’t realize the stories she thought she was making up were actually about real people from her life. Someone filled me in on that.

And Lynn is getting rather obsessed with me. She follows me. Doesn’t say much but when any words pass her lips, it is very important to listen. Someone brushed her off the other day & I thought she was going to murder her. She went physical on her. They had to give her a shot & now she has disappeared. I miss her shadowing me. What do you think of that? I want a person to be near me. A stranger. Not me at all.

Even so, my feelings are more leveled off. Got some truth out from the shadows into the light. Light always frees the spirit of the secrets so they don’t need to hide any longer. It is such a relief when the secrets are set lose into freedom. They aren’t sure exactly what to do after they aren’t hidden any longer. I would prefer they would just fade away once they are no longer lethal.

You may ask, how are they so lethal? They could mean Death. Death by Murder or Death by Design or Death by Suicide. All are Death to the Soul and Innocence.

This feels like a good place to stop. While I still have the ability to think.

I switch up my thinking and feelings all the time. Bear in mind, a feeling today may change in a nano moment. The fickleness of my heart and mind breathe with the chemicals mixing inside my brain.

The brew that is true got lost in the blue that is the hue of the color in your eyes.

A visit with the March Hare & the Mad Hatter is pre-ordained to happen while confined in a facility that is relegated to those who seem to have lost control of their own lives, minds, confusions & chaos.

That is why I am going to stop now. Will finish it up in the morning & send it off then.

I know I don’t have to ask this but I feel I must, “Please don’t judge anything that comes out of this addled mind.” I only know how to speak the truth. Never wanted to learn how to lie. Maybe a “white” lie that would mean nothing but would hurt someone’s feelings. But then I don’t consider that lying. And even then I don’t often do that either. Censor my honesty. Telling the truth is a compulsion. It is most likely because of having to hide everything when I was growing up. Silence & more silence was the better way to survive. I may have survived but for what? So I could enter Hell when I was finally free from the first Hell?

I need to get stoned. Being here put me on edge & my panic attacks have blown out my guts. I am in constant pain physically as well as mentally & emotionally. I need to laugh. In the morning I am going to find something to write to you that is funny. I promise.

Goodnight. Ciao Ciao!!!

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

 

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

 

Private Writings: Chapter #67 – “Twisting Inside Shouting Out Loud”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]“Twisting Inside Shouting Out Loud”
Private Writings #67
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 24th June 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #67 — “Twisting Inside Shouting Out Loud”

Tuesday 16th December 2008

Dear Annie,

If I don’t know who I am, how will I know what I should do?

I have been writing non-stop except for sleep, creating a variety of ideas for my play. I’m rather exhausted. But can’t stop needing to create.

I have been having these phrases popping up inside my head. I finally wrote them down on a blank page on WORD. I am going to use them as the beginning of a scene.

I have to believe I am not going to grow old inside this weird mind melting place. Just wiser and I will only allow them to take a touch of my madness. I will need and use the rest for myself.

I think I am about to write you one of my more in sane letters, much more in sane.

I found a bloody good twist for the play. “Far more things occur in dark spaces and from the other side than we are aware of.” My own quote, made it up just now. Play on one of Shakespeare’s lines. Did a few modifications.

It keeps me up late, thinking about my play. I want to find the exact words & to keep my characters to as few lines as possible & still contain what my story is meant to be. What it is that I am trying to say with all the words I give the actors.

I was searching for songs last night to inspire me. Listened to great stuff & found the pieces of music I was looking for. One song stood out. I listened to it repeatedly. Doing that takes me to the zone. It lifts me up and gives my subconscious something to work out for me, and when the Muse is ready, she feeds me what I am going to do.

The play is meant to be about love – the strongest most powerful energy in the universe. It is also about love that is going to slip away. Knowing it is going to happen before anyone else does, even the person it is going to happen to.

How would you like to have that ability? The power to know things before they happen to other people. My play has an element of that contained within it. Don’t want to give too much a way. You have to see it performed on stage to find out what happens. This is only the second process I am in now. Living life was the first. The second is fictionalizing my experiences with what I’ve learned from living. There is a third & eventually a sequel which will lead me into the fourth part, writing the screenplay. That may end the process or open up into another world.

I may be sounding vague but I like to be a mystery. Mysterious. It is what keeps me alive – wondering & trying to understand what is inside what we don’t know or ever will know while we are mortal.

Since I am mortal, I would like to ask the question Why. Why am I talking to ghosts and they are returning their side of the conversation. I may think a long time before I decide whether you will ever see any of this letter. I will be honest just the same.

I see dead people. I use to say I saw dead people when I was asleep. But now they have decided to visit me when I am trying to get back my sanity. After my group sessions or after I’ve met with Dr. V. They even interrupt me when I am writing to you. Tosh may not know you but Angie sure does. She has been hanging around you until she found me & Dr. George.

I need sleep, so I am going to finish this letter tomorrow, unless I wake up in the middle of the night. Sleeping here without my weed is making my insomnia unbearable. When I do sleep it is just tossing the covers all over. When my eyes open in an attempt to view the world to see if it is still here, I find myself completely twisted up in the covers like I was playing B & D.

Chin Chin Annie. I will think of you as I try to fall asleep. Your face will calm me. If I hear your voice, it would just add to my calmness.

Love Fondly,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

 

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Writings #65 – “I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”
Private Writings #65
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 10th June 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #65. — “I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”

Tuesday 2nd December 2008

Dear Annie,

Tell me what it is to be sexually attracted to someone whether you are a lesbian or straight. I feel so fucked up and suicidal right now and overwhelmed with anxiety. Confusion fills my mind. I need to draw from something sane to stabilize myself.

Something wants to take over my body or thoughts. It could be the voice I feel is coming from a ghost.

There has also been something very bizarre occurrences of objects moving, sudden winds, books fall off shelves, rather more like books being thrown off bookshelves and desks by invisible forces. The aberration has been very angry today and quite destructive. It’s either a ghost or my telekinetic energy mad as hell and sending out tremendous amounts from a negative energy flow, causing waves of the power to move objects and send them sailing.

It is odd but I have no feelings. I’ve shut them down. I may be trying to escape but I can’t. My life won’t leave me alone. It demands attention. It doesn’t like being all fucked up. My life is always with me no matter where I try to escape or into what insane state of mind that I produce. All the shit will still be here facing me down. There’s far too much pressure for me to handle safely. I have cracked in many vulnerable places. They feel like they could blow my mind away at any moment in & outside of time. I believe the rest of what is “me” would disappear with it.

For a quick moment, I would like to profess or confess, I HATE MY FAMILY, the part that tried destroying me. The pedophiles who forced me into experiencing their perverse needs and desires. They satisfied them on me. Stealing my innocence inside of their perversions. Presently, my gut feels like they have cut my insides open in order to watch me fall out & splatter over everything & everywhere. It is the most disgusting display of gross intentions.

I am Humpty Dumpty & no matter how hard I have tried, No One Seems To Be Able To Succeed In Putting Me Back Together Again. Nor Will They Ever, I Feel. Hope feels lost amongst the ruins of my once intricately commanding mind. I have failed or haven’t succeeded beating them back enough, far away from my center of being. Their corruption has infected me & I haven’t found there is a cure for the poisons they possess.

If I could have the dream life I wished for, not much would change. I love my new family. I never see the old one. The grandparents I love are gone. My grandmother is with me, inside every part of me, especially my heart & soul. She lifts me up into the sky to soar while I dream. When I am awake, my Muse & my grandmother are quite the pair when they work on me together. Sparks fly out of my fingers as I type on the keyboard. As the words appear on the page, I can see the flames licking the screen & feel their warmth caressing the meaning from out of the free flowing air around us. It is quite mystical & pixelated when those two are involved.

What I don’t understand is why was I born if life were only here to crush me? I feel my chest taking in air & the pain engulfs me. Something punches my body while I sleep. It feels like I lose every battle on any night they’re out to batter me. Who “they” are, I would conjecture they are “EVIL” & belong to the deepest Blackness where demons hide out in the Dark. I was born Good & it has always been necessary to try to destroy that strong element inside of me. But I am a fighter with a strength coming from the Unknown, which seems to want me to win the battle. All of the Battles, even if it feels like I have already lost & resigned.

Can’t wait to see your face looking back at me. I need to see your eyes. They give me strength & kindness. I need to be close to you & want you to hold me. Make me a promise, never to let me go.

Time for Group Therapy. We are talking about what we Feel is Real Today. What the Fuck is Real? It doesn’t exist. Reality. It is what is the Illusion. Fantasy & Imagination Are the True World while We Are Awake. HELL is where We Live when We Trip through Our Own Private Dreams. The Theory that the World Is Watching Is Only A Way To Jerk the Trolls of Nightmares Around into Believing in the Fake Reality. The One that Is Presented to Us through the Faux Media. It Is All A Manipulated Illusionary Perception We Are Meant To Believe In.

I will leave that last thought with you to Ponder. Maybe she [Me] has lost her mind somewhere in the swamp of Hell & Fire.

Don’t worry I am still here somewhere inside of my own mind.

Will write more soon.

Just How Many More Days Do I Have To Count Until I Am Released From My Own Private Prison?

Love Fondly,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

negative of le chateau de rocher by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Moments #62 “Act Natural Be GAY”

private moments in paintings & poetryPrivate Moments #62“Act Natural Be GAY”
Poem Written for Private Writings: Chapter #62 – “Act Natural Be GAY”
Written by Jennifer Kiley

Post Monday 19th May 2014
Her Highness [the shadow] Immortalized by Jk McCormack

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~ (1563-1631)

Wet 029

Her Holiness [the shadow] Immortalized – jk mccormack (c) jkm 2008

hands reaching out into rain

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn
Is to be loved and to love in return”
– Moulin Rouge – Baz Luhrman

“Act Natural Be GAY”
By Madison Taylor
11th November 2008

It is natural for me to be a lesbian
Women are so attractive
In a way that men lack the spark
Men can be so beautiful
I admire their beauty
It just does not awaken the fire
Feeling a woman’s blaze
My hands caress her without touching
This desire does not exist for a man

The sex was expected and silently coerced
A man’s touch caused my mind to withdraw
Well ahead of the physical escape
The body is trapped in paralysis
Women draw me near but never for a man
The man’s skin is rough when it tears the skin
The feel of a woman’s flesh is smooth
Bringing out the craving for pleasure
With a man what is felt is I am a caged cat
Pacing back and forth seeking an escape
Feeling time has caught me in its spider’s web

Someday learning the force needed
To make No mean stop
Someday I will feel free to go
When No will be respected
To stop – say No and walk away
For so long it felt like a trap
No way out – in a cage with locks
With no keys to set me free

My will not my own
Does it yet belong to me
Will I ever know the feeling
To be me to be free
Or whomever I want to be
The choice should be mine
Always mine alone

Only exception should come from me
Someday I may want to surrender
Show trust with my lover implicitly
Wanting to trust she will be slow
Her hands gentle
Her lips soft and sweet
Waiting and wanting my response
Asking me what I want
What can she do to pleasure me

To say what kind of touches
I’ll feel inside of me
An exciting and frightening thought
Wanting sensations to drive me wild
Building the passion to set me free
Wanting the feelings to be
What I want them to be

To make love inside the lava flowing
Slowness building up the intensity
Let the love making come gently
Passionately growing and glowing
Giving me what I need and want to feel
Coming ever so slowly – so patiently
No force do I feel
Just letting go naturally

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Until – by James Conlee

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p

“Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

“Creating is having the courage to allow the seer into the private moments of our imaginative lives.”

— jkm the secret keeper aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

*      *      *

dont be afraid to express ur sexuality fantasies poster

Remember

Do What You Love

same sex logos in framed in rainbow colors without black frame 2