Epilogue “Private Writings” [Special Message] EN FIN

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

EPILOGUE
PRIVATE WRITINGS: A NOVEL OF TRUE FANTASY
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 4th November 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

blue dreams (c) jkm 2014

blue dreams (c) jkm

Epilogue
[only meant for the seers to understand time to come]

I feel a need to end this part of the journey with one last jolting note. As I was prepared to spend my day with Alison and Scottie I checked my emails. There was one from Annie. Her e-mail stated: “My husband is missing in action. He has been MIA since I first arrived in Europe a few weeks ago. It seems like centuries. We meet as soul mates through the oddest circumstances. Something needs to be done about it. I will be home when the two years are up. Honest. I mean it. Love, Annie.”

I don’t know what to make of the words Annie wrote. What does this all mean? We’ll all find out together.

For now this is all I want to write.

But this is far from over. I believe we will all be together again.

Love,

Madison

(c) jkm 2014

[for me this statement means more to me now than ever] “I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

AN Afterthought I feel needs to be said before I stop writing for now. It is a letter filled with my feelings for you, Annie Haskell. You were my psychoanalyst but you were also my friend. I built up such intense feelings for you. I wrote this in hopes someday you may understand how being with you made me feel about you.

Dear Annie,

I believe I am in love with you. After the last time I saw you, I went someplace where I could be alone with my thoughts only of you. You looked so beautiful. Your smile showed me you really cared. It wasn’t a pay by the hour arrangement between us that makes you care. You do care for me as I do for you.

I want to feel your arms around me, holding me close to you. And I want to feel my arms pulling you close into my body. It feels so right for us to share these brief moments. They are timeless. The feelings stayed within me when I had to leave.

What part of me stayed behind with you?

Can we share this feeling of love someday again? Together can we be in love & feel it is alright to feel so close. I only imagine you feel this way but inside, deep inside my heart, I hold you forever.

This very moment, I would like to feel my lips touching your skin. Kissing your lips. In this moment, I want the sensations to start & never end. I want you to be mine forever. But I don’t want to own you or claim all of your time. I just want to feel our love together.

Always,
Madison

Ps. I love you Annie. Always & Forever. Are you the One? I feel the answer is yes.


Coming Back To Life – David Gilmour – Royal Albert Hall

 

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

 *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Private Writings: Chapter #79 “In Our Hours of Darkness”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“In Our Hours of Darkness”

Private Writings #79

Written by Jennifer Kiley

Post Tuesday 16th September 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT

Not Suitable For Children.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead

Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #79 — “In Our Hours of Darkness”

Tuesday 10th March 2009

Dear Annie,

I am overcome with grief. Alison has finally opened her eyes and returned from her coma after that horrible crash. I cannot believe Sylvia never regained consciousness. Her brain swelling caused too much damage. She was driving. There never really was much hope for her. Her coma was always thought to be irreversible. She registered no brain activity from the start.

Catherine gave permission to release her organs. The crash has been under investigation for foul play since the beginning. Something caused the car to go out of control and for some reason it picked up speed and then stopped suddenly. Stopping short caused the car to flip over countless times.

Alison and Sylvia were literally crushed inside the car. It is a miracle Sylvia even made it to the hospital, her injuries were so severe. Alison’s life was always in the question zone. But after regaining consciousness, she told everyone that she was being questioned in a Way Station. If she didn’t answer correctly, she would never return from her coma. Alison felt she was not going to make it. She felt for sure that she was going to die.

Hearing Alison telling her story was devastating to me. Everyone close to Alison, especially Scottie were by her side the whole time. And her new fans were growing in number. They had been sending flowers and emails. Leaving candles, flowers & cards outside of the hospital. Scottie had her assistant send most of the flowers to other patients in the hospital in critical condition and to the children who were patients separated from their families.

I had been sitting vigil since Alison was admitted into the ICU. First at Redcliff & now at Cedar Sinai. Once I arrived at the hospital after being given a leave from Redcliff, I had the hospital set her up in a private suite for myself, Scottie & Jamie. When Alison woke up, we all intended to be the first face she looked into.

I know this feels like a rehash of everything but I need to write about it. That makes me feel like I’m doing something. And now that Alison is awake and talking, I just listen. She has a lot of bandages on her face and all over the place. I am afraid to see what has happened to her. She resembles the bride of Frankenstein. I’m trying to be humorous but it really isn’t funny.

Any way, I need you now. Please be there for me. I will see you in therapy once before I have to go back to Redcliff. I don’t look forward to the second but the first, I am very excited.

The police just showed up at the hospital. They have some news about the accident. It wasn’t an accident but somebody shot out a tire. They did it in such a way that it was very hard to detect. They feel someone was waiting in the grassy knoll just across from where the car was driving past. I know that sounds weird and too much like JFK but there you have it.

In all our last communications you said you had to tell me about something at our next session. That it was something serious. You have me worried. What is this all about? I hope you don’t say something neither one of us want to hear.

I have to go for now to be with Alison. So I will write more to you later.

Love,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2009

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

Maksim – Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry[Dedicated to Alison & Sylvia]

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”

— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She also has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

black_shamrock_ribbon green reverse

 *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Private Writings: Chapter #78 – “Be Gone Loneliness We’re Entering Paradise”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“Be Gone Loneliness We’re Enter Paradise”
Private Writings #78
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 9th September 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

 Private Writings: Chapter #78 — “Be Gone Loneliness We’re Entering Paradise”

Tuesday, 3rd March 2009

Dear Annie, I am writing down all that occurred at Sylvia’s memorial service. I will keep this letter devoted to what happened during all the activities before, during and after. The first thing is the opening are lines from a song. I will include the video from the song that was played at the services.

It is called “Take Me”…

“Take Me”

Take me away across the ocean
Out in the horizon the night is falling
Outside in the golden air
Washed out and no one’s there
She said I’ll need you there sometime
Sunset in the breeze
Drifting into me
Our love will make it right this time

So take me away across the ocean
Out in the horizon the night is falling
Take me away across the ocean
Out in the horizon the night is falling
Take me away across the ocean
Out in the horizon the night is falling

Skyline closing in
Her eyes whispering
Please swim across the night to find
Underwater lights
Shadows in disguise
Your lips come close to mine in time
Sunset in the breeze
Drifting into me
Our love will make it right this time

So take me away across the ocean
Out in the horizon the night is falling
Take me away across the ocean
Out in the horizon the night is falling

Written and sung by a singer from the future, I believe. Name is Rufus. Don’t try to understand. It is too complicated to explain. Actually, one of my ghosts gave me the song to use. She liked it. It is amazing.

The Lyrics I used in Eulogy were read by the Sandra B., a close friend of Sylvia’s & was there for her when Sylvia allowed any one to help her.

Different people had comments. I am going to list them as I remember. The memorial service was televised so a great many people were able to say their goodbyes. Sylvia Kendall may have been very confused with the world and didn’t want to be here any longer but she was very loved across the world by many many many fans. In this I just include what I remember from different people who actually knew her and some people who just felt she wanted to say something and some who wanted to say Sylvia was going to be missed greatly.

Michele W said: “Sylvia was always there to listen to me. She heard and listened to my problems as I tried to listen to her. I didn’t realize she was in so much pain. We always say they’ll be there for someone after they’re gone. Why aren’t we there when they need us instead of reading about their death after they’re gone and always saying I could have saved her. No one can save somebody when they are determined to kill themselves. I only wish we could know in advance so we can save them. In a split second when we are not looking that is when they disappear.”

Julia R says: “I love her and I will miss my friend forever. She was a good friend which makes me feel like I was a bad one. But it isn’t about me now it’s about Sylvia. Rest now Sweet One. You Will and Are Already Missed.”

Robert P says: “I never had a chance to work with her but I use to see her at parties and I enjoyed talking to her. She was the rescuer of most parties. She will be missed.”

Bob D says: “We once were lovers, she was the best I will always love her.”

Angel J says: “I am angry with Sylvia and yet I love her soul. She was someone who I could love forever. I will love Sylvia – Forever.”

Meryl R says: “She was a brilliant actress. She was nominated for an Oscar. She should have won. I will miss all she would have done on the big screen and those wild parties. I wish I knew her better, been there to listen. I wish I could have known what was going on inside her. No one really knows anything about what is going on inside of someone else. If we did we would try to save everybody and no one can do that. Goodbye Sylvia.I will miss you and the work we could have done together and maybe the friendship we could have made.”

Next is the poem I wrote for the eulogy and read at the funeral or actually the Memorial.

“Entering into Paradise”
Eulogy Poem

Entering into the inner realm
Searching out the emotion of love
The connection drawing on the power
Existing past life and beyond death

Waiting wanting to return
Meets a familiar expression
Eyes hiding underneath a veil
Time stops until it returns renewed

Finding our soul mate once was tricky
The path followed needed
The map of fate for guidance
To awaken the senses in their foundation

High above the sky soaring
Through the clouds and beyond
The spirit waits to be as she is
With the secrets of the Beyond

The sacred place where death visits briefly
And exits quickly after arrival
This is presented to us now
Our fate in our new creation
Is set in place for us now

The last thing I am going to include in my letter to you Annie is what Catherine spoke at the service. She had every one in tears.

“Thank you everyone for coming today and for those who sent emails. My daughter Sylvia is watching now and sees just how much everyone loved her. She had a very good life but it was a difficult one. Her father died when she was very young. We all know he had AIDS. We had been separated from the time she was little. It was hard on Sylvia meeting death at such a young age. We missed him but she missed him more. She never was the same after her father’s death. She saw him vanishing before her eyes.

I tried to give her as much love as I was able. She needed to feel loved by everyone. Being on the screen and on the stage she was given this love by strangers. Sometimes strangers make the best lovers and give the best love. They don’t have a past with us. So sometimes it’s easier to love someone you don’t know then it is to love someone you think you know.

I love my daughter and I will always love her. I miss you sweetheart.

My heart is broken. She should never have died so young. I feel I should have been able to do more. But I loved her so much I don’t feel I denied her anything, especially my love for her.

Her spirit is free now. She can find happiness. She is with her father now.

Please pray that my friends Madison Taylor and Scottie Andrews’ daughter Alison Porter comes out of her coma soon and makes a full recovery. I cannot believe my daughter would do such a horrible thing by trying to take Alison with her. I can’t believe she took her own life either.”

Catherine begins to cry silently, tears running down her cheeks. I went to her and placed my arm over her shoulder and walked her back to her seat. I sat down next to her and held her as she cried silently.

I forgive Sylvia, Annie. I only feel pain that she should not be gone. That Catherine is so crushed. I should end the letter now. I am feeling like my soul is so hurt inside the pain feels almost impossible to bear.

Love,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker


Maksim – Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry[Dedicated to Annie]

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She also has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

black_shamrock_ribbon green reverse

Private Writings: Chapter #76 “Do You Know A Secret?”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“Do You Know a Secret?”
Private Writings #76
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 26th August 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #76 “Do You Know A Secret?”

Tuesday 17th February 2009

Dear Annie,

I really need to to get out of Redcliff. My daughter Alison Porter needs me know. We have no idea if Alison does them survive the crash and not that was a horrible one. I don’t know whether Silvia was mad, there’s something wrong with the car, but there should never have been any crash. The stunt was simple, no complications should have caused this accident. That’s what makes me think someone tampered with the car.

Scottie contacted Sylvia’s mom, and Catherine Leighton is devastated. Her daughter means more than your own life to her. When I first met Catherine, Sylvia was all she could talk about. She wanted her to be famous as an actress and as a good person. She realized Sylvia had something significantly wrong with her mentally. Sylvia was sent to many doctors, many clinics, and no one could help her. Catherine had about given up on Sylvia, and then she heard what Sylvia had done to me, that she had sexually abused me in a brutal way, which drove me over the edge, and caused my mental breakdown.

Catherine got to know me while I was in Redcliff. She wrote to me regularly. I received at least three letters a week from her. We became close through those letters. Then the accident happened. Catherine didn’t know what to do next. She asked for my forgiveness. Both our daughters were in the accident. And neither one might survive. I could feel Catherine in her words. She was crushed that both our daughters might die threw her daughter’s actions. The mere thought that Sylvia was to blame for the accident, that it was actually intentional disturbed Catherine beyond belief. That was the rumor, that Sylvia was suicidal when she went out with the car. Was it her intentions to take my daughter down with her?

I felt for Catherine but I was more concerned with what was happening with Alison, Scottie and my daughter. Alison was in a coma. Her brain was bleeding out. The surgeons were working on her. They at least had not given up hope. As far as Sylvia, it didn’t look good at all. Even though Scottie was angry with Sylvia she and Catherine stayed together at the hospital. The hospital had set up three extra beds in Alison’s private room.

Jamie stayed with them all. I wanted that, so someone could be strong for them all and to temporarily take my place, because I was not allowed out of Redcliff yet. Annie was working with Dr. Virginia McKinnon to find a way of releasing me early. They needed to get a promise from me, that I would return to Redcliff once everything was well with Alison. I knew I would need to return also, to help Angie & a few other ghosts who expected my guidance. For some reason, they could communicate with me, and the same in reverse for me. I could see & hear them as well.

Scottie spent most of her time with Alison so she had Jamie keep in touch with me letting me know all of what was going on. Your angel voice spoke the words that were so soothing to me. My feelings for Jamie and Scottie and Alison held me together just bearly. I could not wait. It was driving me nuts knowing my baby daughter, I know she is full grown, I could not bear to lose her. She brings a tremendous amount of love and meaning into my life. It may sound corny, but she is one of the reasons I wake up every morning and want to stay alive.

If Alison dies, I will want to die with her. It’s as simple as that. She is important in my life and to my life. What reason would I want to live without my daughter, if she is not alive. So she just has to live. The surgeons have to save her. They must save her.

Annie should know soon when I can get out of here and if I can get out of here. I’ve bearly spoken to Scottie since the accident. She must be angry with me for not being there for her. I will run into her arms and hold her until we can both are able to cry for Alison. Crying, the both of us, together. Tears may relieve some of the pressure and the pain.

Dr. McKinnon just came to see me. She had good news. I was getting out of Redcliff this afternoon. I signed the release with the stipulation I would return when all was back in order. That is if anything returns back into any semblance of order. Were there any promises of that. I wanted to feel hopeful.

The car had been ordered to pick me up in a few hours. In order to leave, I would need a little time to gather my things together. I was feeling anxious already and some fear of seeing how Alison looked. I was afraid to see how her body had been crushed in the accident. All I can do now is wait until I see her in a few hours.

I will write to you as soon as I know something Annie. I will be patient if you will be. I will try texting you when I arrive at the hospital and send you any information I find out immediately.

Ciao Ciao!

Love,

Madison

PS. I love you Annie. Thank you for being there. That means more to me than you know.

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker


Maksim – Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry[Dedicated to Alison & Sylvia. May they both make it through.]

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She also has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

 

Private Writings: Chapter #75 – “If I Fell In Love With You Would You Leave Me Too?”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“If I Fell In Love With You Would You Leave Me Too?”
Private Writings #75
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 19th August 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #75 — “If I Fell In Love With You Would You Leave Me Too?”

Tuesday 10th February 2009

Dear Annie,

Thank you for getting me out of here so quickly. I needed desperately to be with my family. I needed to see Alison. You may think the next thing I am going to say makes me sound crazy but I do have the ability to heal any living being. I needed to give Alison my good energy. I am strong enough. Love is guiding me and will keep us all safe. My being here is helping Alison to come back. I have been trying to keep her from slipping away into the other side too deeply, that she would have found it impossible to return.

Believe me, I am helping Alison and Scottie. Also, James was in need of his mother’s love. I am his favorite since Gran died. He looks to me. He is a star. The world knows him. Scottie told me about all the emails and texts from all over the world about James and our daughter Alison, wishing for her recovery and James getting better. Lots of love, Scottie said, is being sent for all of our family to heal. Flowers arrive at the hospital in a constant flow. Scottie told the nurses and staff to please circulate them throughout the hospital where they would brighten up others with their scent and beauty.

Breaking me out of Redcliff, Annie, was executed perfectly. I want you to know my last few letters were written out of desperation. I know now that my feelings of love for you belong to the One I have always loved in all my lifetimes. She keeps slipping away or is stolen from me by death. Every lifetime it happens this way. I then seek out the love from the eyes of those who look at me the way that she did and does in my dreams. Also, when she now visits me as a spirit or a ghost. But let’s not bring that up now. Too much needs my concentration. Tosh will stay with me in silence or sound. I am not afraid of her. I love her and enjoy her being around. It’s Angie’s ghost I could do without. But I suppose she needs my help. Being murdered is not the greatest thing to happen to anyone.

Think of Alison. Send her your good thoughts and feelings. That energy will help heal her.

Good Night Annie. I hope you get this in the morning. You can reach me on my cell or through Cedar Sinai where I remain with my family. The ones I love. It includes Jamie, of course. I want to hug Scottie and never let go. And then Jamie and James and Most of all Alison. I want to hold onto her hand and squeeze it ever so gently so she someone can feel I am here with her.

Thank you, Annie, for being there, also. I Do Love You.

Goodnight. Ciao Ciao!!!

Love,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker


Maksim – Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry[Dedicated to Annie]

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She also has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

 

Private Moments #66 – “Too Often It’s Goodbye”

private moments in paintings & poetryPrivate Moments #66
Poem “Too Often It’s Goodbye”
by Jennifer Kiley
Poem for Private Writings: Chapter #66
“Hello Goodbye”
Painting “What Can One Do?”
by Jk McCormack
Post Monday 16th June 2014

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~ (1563-1631)

what can you do - jk mccormack (c) jkm 2014

“What Can One Do?” – jk mccormack (c) jkm 2008

hands reaching out into rain

“Too Often It’s Goodbye”
By Madison Taylor
9th December 2008

Too often it’s goodbye
No real explanation
Contemplation of excuses
Absence without relief
Alone again
No solace will be given

Choosing uncertainty
Over familiarity
Exciting as a prospect
But when it ends
Empty promises fill
The wandering thoughts

Smashed glasses
Thrown against
A cupboard door
When answers come
In violent retribution
Never a reason

Freeing one’s conscience
From responsibility
Unwarranted actions
Acted out through the shame
It stabs unjustly
Exacting the most pain

© madison taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p

“Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”

— Jkm the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

red heart outline with pale blue bg

*        *        *        *        *        *        *

Private Writings #65 – “I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”
Private Writings #65
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 10th June 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #65. — “I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”

Tuesday 2nd December 2008

Dear Annie,

Tell me what it is to be sexually attracted to someone whether you are a lesbian or straight. I feel so fucked up and suicidal right now and overwhelmed with anxiety. Confusion fills my mind. I need to draw from something sane to stabilize myself.

Something wants to take over my body or thoughts. It could be the voice I feel is coming from a ghost.

There has also been something very bizarre occurrences of objects moving, sudden winds, books fall off shelves, rather more like books being thrown off bookshelves and desks by invisible forces. The aberration has been very angry today and quite destructive. It’s either a ghost or my telekinetic energy mad as hell and sending out tremendous amounts from a negative energy flow, causing waves of the power to move objects and send them sailing.

It is odd but I have no feelings. I’ve shut them down. I may be trying to escape but I can’t. My life won’t leave me alone. It demands attention. It doesn’t like being all fucked up. My life is always with me no matter where I try to escape or into what insane state of mind that I produce. All the shit will still be here facing me down. There’s far too much pressure for me to handle safely. I have cracked in many vulnerable places. They feel like they could blow my mind away at any moment in & outside of time. I believe the rest of what is “me” would disappear with it.

For a quick moment, I would like to profess or confess, I HATE MY FAMILY, the part that tried destroying me. The pedophiles who forced me into experiencing their perverse needs and desires. They satisfied them on me. Stealing my innocence inside of their perversions. Presently, my gut feels like they have cut my insides open in order to watch me fall out & splatter over everything & everywhere. It is the most disgusting display of gross intentions.

I am Humpty Dumpty & no matter how hard I have tried, No One Seems To Be Able To Succeed In Putting Me Back Together Again. Nor Will They Ever, I Feel. Hope feels lost amongst the ruins of my once intricately commanding mind. I have failed or haven’t succeeded beating them back enough, far away from my center of being. Their corruption has infected me & I haven’t found there is a cure for the poisons they possess.

If I could have the dream life I wished for, not much would change. I love my new family. I never see the old one. The grandparents I love are gone. My grandmother is with me, inside every part of me, especially my heart & soul. She lifts me up into the sky to soar while I dream. When I am awake, my Muse & my grandmother are quite the pair when they work on me together. Sparks fly out of my fingers as I type on the keyboard. As the words appear on the page, I can see the flames licking the screen & feel their warmth caressing the meaning from out of the free flowing air around us. It is quite mystical & pixelated when those two are involved.

What I don’t understand is why was I born if life were only here to crush me? I feel my chest taking in air & the pain engulfs me. Something punches my body while I sleep. It feels like I lose every battle on any night they’re out to batter me. Who “they” are, I would conjecture they are “EVIL” & belong to the deepest Blackness where demons hide out in the Dark. I was born Good & it has always been necessary to try to destroy that strong element inside of me. But I am a fighter with a strength coming from the Unknown, which seems to want me to win the battle. All of the Battles, even if it feels like I have already lost & resigned.

Can’t wait to see your face looking back at me. I need to see your eyes. They give me strength & kindness. I need to be close to you & want you to hold me. Make me a promise, never to let me go.

Time for Group Therapy. We are talking about what we Feel is Real Today. What the Fuck is Real? It doesn’t exist. Reality. It is what is the Illusion. Fantasy & Imagination Are the True World while We Are Awake. HELL is where We Live when We Trip through Our Own Private Dreams. The Theory that the World Is Watching Is Only A Way To Jerk the Trolls of Nightmares Around into Believing in the Fake Reality. The One that Is Presented to Us through the Faux Media. It Is All A Manipulated Illusionary Perception We Are Meant To Believe In.

I will leave that last thought with you to Ponder. Maybe she [Me] has lost her mind somewhere in the swamp of Hell & Fire.

Don’t worry I am still here somewhere inside of my own mind.

Will write more soon.

Just How Many More Days Do I Have To Count Until I Am Released From My Own Private Prison?

Love Fondly,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

negative of le chateau de rocher by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana