B E B O L D
O R I T A L I C
N E V E R R E G U L A R
‘How Understanding Depression Helped Me Through Election Anxiety’ | Review by kiley
Article on Bipolar Advantage Blog
The title intrigued me. No fear – the article is simply written and some is about understanding the Bipolar-IN-Order state of being. Working on mood changes in a beneficial way. No one is perfect so it is a continual process to work toward my goals. Increasing my self awareness is essential. As I state No one is perfect but I am identifying when something is at too high an intensity level. I make a valiant effort to lower the intensity. Sometimes by my partner just saying Stop [I do hear Stop in my own head – not as perfect a method though]. Not pretending its easy is important to remember. Patience and letting go into a Zen state – calm state is extremely important to achieve.
The part of the article that pertains to a great many of us who feel Election Anxiety [a major issue at present] and the imaginings of this writer [me]- how I have reached many fantasy levels in my dealings with Election Anxiety.. It is a regular discussion in our home – election results – that is. My partner and I banter our thoughts as though in a tennis match. She feels the same about what we are saying regarding the Election Results but we express it in our own way. I imagine most of us think of ways beyond legalities of how to solve a problem like . . . (I even Hate saying his name – it gives me the creeps). When the thoughts of our upcoming future create overwhelming FEAR and ANXIETY – I start using Magic Thinking [it makes me feel better momentarily – but then I keep having to come up with more reasons the Inauguration will never happen]. Does it raise the level of Intensity in a manic state or draw one into a depression or sometimes into the in-between state. Either way there are methods in sorting out and letting go of the pressure.
This post on Bipolar Advantage regarding Election Anxiety is more than just for those who are Bipolar. The message reaches across all who are concerned with the insanity surrounding us in the political arena; and how do we go about living our lives unaware of why we feel such FEAR – F.E.A.R. = (False Evidence Appearing Real).
Spend a few moments and read this article. It may help you find some answers or at least temporary solutions needing repeating.
For Complete Article Click on LINK – it will take you there.
Posting Simultaneously on Off The Rails – Track 451
Based on a true story. . .this happened 2 days before my birthday.
A new psychotherapist was in and out of my life in two sessions. In our second session, she tried to force me against my will to do something I absolutely refused to do. It was a bloody set up. A spider’s web. A betrayal. [I figured out the deceit later, after I got home and talked it out with my partner]. I ended the session abruptly. I’d had enough.It became repetitious. She accused me of putting her in a corner by asking her if I did not comply, did it mean she would not be my therapist. She told me her request was a ‘suggestion.’ I told her that meant I could refuse. She didn’t get it. I told her I would never allow anyone to force me against my will ever again. I left as fast as I was able to walk with two canes helping me. I thought I had fractured my knee a week ago. So I was still in the stages of pain. I couldn’t get down the hall fast enough without her calling after me, continuing to pursue my relinquishment of my will and my adamant decision of NO.
She turned out to be a great disappointment but it did have a Powerful ending for me. It was a Change for me to not back down. I said NO in as many ways possible before I really just had to get the Hell away from her, out of her office. I held my ground. What she asked of me is irrelevant. Trust me, though, it was abhorrent.
I describe my actions as follows: Will – the capability of conscious choice and decision and intention; “the exercise of their volition we construe as revolt”- George Meredith
Damn right I was in a revolt. Did she think she was stronger than me? She wasn’t. She tried to steal my convictions from me with pathetic manipulation. She failed miserably. And no I never intend to go back or speak to her ever again. She harmed me in the first session. In the second session, I shut her down. It is done.
I am angry but stronger for it. – Maggie the Cat
The raised fist
(also known as the clenched fist)
is a symbol of solidarity and support.
It is also used as a salute to express
unity, strength, defiance, or resistance.
The salute dates back to ancient Assyria
as a symbol of resistance in the face of
violence. [Violence can take many forms].
IT WILL BE DONE
an obsessively compulsive
take control harpy*
appears to continuously
point or guide
if you will
a way to deny life
and support dying
a touch too intense
about the whole
let’s not forget
the controlling mantra
‘don’t feel able
to face tomorrow
or another day’
pain keeps pulling
the body under
to try on drowning
the breath enters the lungs
but soon the water
replaces the open spaces
the terribly important
oxygen opened lungs
after the symphony’s
the conductor takes
it will be done
© kiley 16
*Harpy: a greedy, predatory person.
I felt an uplifting song would encourage the spirit – kiley
MENTAL HEALTH IS THE SAME AS PHYSICAL HEALTH – THE BRAIN IS PART OF THE BODY – EVEN THE BRAIN CAN HAVE PROBLEMS – IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY OF US LESSER THEN THOSE WHO FEEL THEY HAVE A COMPLETELY HEALTHY BRAIN – WE ALL SOMETIMES GET ILL – SOME LONGER THAN OTHERS
So I Needed To Talk
I left a voice mail for this case worker who I had been talking to since my therapist had surgery. Needing a therapist is essential to me. So I needed to talk. I didn’t realize every word I spoke was being mis-evaluated, mis- interpreted and used against me in the future, when it shouldn’t have even been on this person’s radar to be recording or remembering what I was saying. It was the ravings and rantings of an addicted client in need of her therapy fix.[ I do exaggerate in this instance].
This person suddenly brought up the need to write up my Treatment Plan. I always do that with my therapist, and only with my therapist. But she countered with the time restrictions and urgency. Bullsh*t. Well, she wrote my plan. Wanted me to sign and return it, but gave me the alternative that we speak about it at the date and time written below. I fretted over what to do. The Treatment Plan was so f’d up and contrary to what I am even close to needing or wanting to work on in therapy. A complete misinterpretation of who I am and what I stand for and an insult to my sensibilities. I have a better idea of what I need and I thought I was getting across to her in our talks what I was about. She missed the path and heard the need I was projecting, the strong need I had for my therapist. She saw herself as a stand-in. I now see speaking with her as a huge mistake. I wish now I never uttered a word to her.
She looks like Chloe Sevigny. A trusting face. I thought I could trust her. My therapist suggested I talk to her every few weeks, but not to trust any of the other therapists. Reason, they would not get me. Danger Zone. I may just be having an overreaction but my partner was impressed with what I wrote below and left as a voice-mail on the case worker’s machine. I was polite enough to thank her. Taught well as a kid in the realm, ‘we have our ways of making you obey.’ I feel a weight has been lifted and my therapist will be proud of me, doing something I see and I think she will see as bold, brave, and gutsy. I don’t do confrontation well.
It is best not to let those who are there to ‘help’ think in their minds, they are better than you b/c you are the one ‘needing’ to see the therapist, I must need them & can’t do without, therefore I conclude, their thoughts fall into the category as a stigma-tizer. And no one is going to stigmatize me b/c my brain decided to be different. It has its own special ways of reacting. Also, I didn’t choose my childhood, filled with things that should never happen to anyone, especially not to a child. Like Humpty, I fell off of every wall that existed but technically, I was pushed. There was no teetering. They were all direct hits from the long hand of the maternal parental warden and the paternal and fraternal members and extensions, who decided torturing my childhood was their game of thrones. They were royalty and I was Cinderella, Sybill [except I am Bipolar, not the mis-diagnosis I received of MPD/DID], and Carrie w/ the wacky mother. So when the therapeutic community tries to push you into a prescribed method of healing & behavioral development, I tell them to go f off. I just want my therapist. – maggie the cat 09.03.15
Below is the Voice-mail of my Fear turned into Courage
I AM CANCELING Appt. Friday 4th Sept. @1:30pm
In the past months I’ve spoken to you while under duress. When the Treatment Plan came up I was told it had to be completed and signed by a specific date or time. Not ACCEPTABLE. Left message with Dr. M. that the pressure of dealing with Treatment Plan without my therapist is bad for my health – causing Panic Attacks. Feeling pressure to talk w/ someone not a therapist, not my therapist, has been difficult. But to share with them what I want my treatment to be without my therapist involved is one step too close to my line of confidentiality. I rewrote the Treatment Plan I received b/c I felt it did not reflect what I need from therapy. I felt it was 90% wrong. It missed completely what my therapy needs are now. When I talked with you I felt too vulnerable so what came out would have been meant for D [my therapist].
She is away. Not b/c she wants to be. When she returns we will work out together where we need to start our work together again. A great deal has changed since her surgery and treatment. It has changed for both of us. Something I need to discuss with D. Until I show her what I wrote as my treatment plan and we work on what it should ultimately say, I will not be signing anything with which I am in strong disagreement. I am canceling any further talks with you. I feel it is counterproductive at the present time. When D returns, we will designate what I need to work on and what she feels are best for my life as it is in the present. At that time we will make my Treatment Plan together, D & I. And only then, not before, will I sign my Treatment Plan.
Private Writings #83
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 14th October 2014
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.
private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst
I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.
see you down the rabbit hole.
Private Writings: Chapter #83 — “THE FEAST”
Letters #83 “THE FEAST” 8th April 2009
Angela, [Angie], started to describe to all the ghosts and myself, not a ghost, what she remembered of the evening she was murdered. What the motives were. What the murder weapon was. A bite too much of something good. She heard her husband Clifford Huntington, of the New Port Huntington’s, who knows for sure. He was talking to a woman in full flirt with him. He wasn’t resisting. He told her he would be free soon to marry her. Poison was the name of the game, to go into her piece of game.
It was a terrible Movable Feast. There is much to say but I don’t want to wander. Angela belonged to the underground group publicly called WUFFDE [World Union Foundation for Doctors Everywhere]. A front. There funds helped the sick & weak unwanted in countries overseas. Barely noticeable to the World. Not really to WUFFDE either. It was a cover. They really didn’t give a shit. [tha truth stated in a song: “…”…some people were born not to help people…”]
They held a Private Party each year. The buy in was $500,000. “The Movable Feast” was the fond name they used to call it because each year “The Feast” moved to another unknown location, not even to members. Fear of being discovered. Reason, they eat endangered species of animals through their feasting.
But back to the murder. Angela thought her friends were real. Not so. They were sycophants sucking up to the succubus Clifford Huntington. He was actually having an assassin kill his wife so his hands would remain pure. Reason for the sacrifice: to earn points and lots of money and Power.
Where was the poison actually hidden, her husband, Clifford told his tramp girlfriend, it was in the main course. The server would have a special exotic rare flower on Angela’s plate. No flavor existing to detect its presence. Angela ate everything that was served her through the multi-coursed menu. From exotic animals, the Turtles from the Galapagos, turned into a form of soap, Okapi & Bonobo, both endangered of being non-existent. Did these heartless group give a shit. Of course not. Not one of them. They drank their Cristal, 1988
This Year’s Menu Galore: the Theme from the film “Babette’s Feast” blended with the theme of the jungle and barbarians.
M E N U
Theme is In the Night of the Jungle
Choice of Film Feast
An Exotic Meal
Three Choices of Meat: Okapi (Giraffe Family but Smaller)
A Bongo & Saiga (Last Are Variety of Antelope)
Puffer fish (Fugu) – sushi-mi
Crystal 1988 & 2006
Caviar – Beluga
Makers Mark; Glen Fiddich ; Aquavit ; Welsh whiskey
Grey goose ; Cognac ; Absinthe
The menu responsible for their pleasure features
“Blini Demidoff au Caviar”
(buckwheat cakes with caviar and sour cream);
“Potage la Tortue” (turtle soup); ”
Caille en Sarcophage avec Sauce Perigourdine”
(quail in puff pastry shell with foie gras and truffle sauce);
[replaced with the choice of Okapi or Bonobo & prepared accordingly]
featuring Belgian endive
and walnuts in a vinaigrette;
[altered to taste]
Les Fromages” featuring
The grand finale dessert is
“Savarin au Rhum avec des Figues et Fruit Glace”
(rum sponge cake with figs and glazed fruits).
Numerous rare wines,
including Clos de Vougeot,
various champagnes [Cristal] and spirits,
complete the menu.
Babette’s purchase of the finest china, flatware, crystal and linens with which to set the table ensures that the luxurious food and drink is served in a style worthy of Babette, who is none other than the famous former Chef of “Café Anglais”. Babette’s previous occupation has been unknown to the sisters until she confides in them after the meal.
* * * * * * *
Not to mention the decadence and carelessness of such a menu but it disguised not only the murder of the wild creatures sacrificed but Angela was one of the rare who met her demise. And now we knew part of the picture. Huntington was a mastermind sociopath. What else was he capable of doing if her could cold bloodedly murder his wife without doing a thing except hire the assassins. There had been other attempts on Angela’s life but they never were pulled off successfully. But one murder is enough. But there were more and will be more if Huntington is not stopped.
Sylvia told me she figured out he killed her father Sidney Vincent, the film director. His people did. Her father was going to expose them in a film he was in the process of making during his off time from playing doctor. A bit bipolar was her father. It is what gave him his energy and his madness. Catherine couldn’t deal with his behavior. She turned to CH, Clifford. Yes, she had Sidney infected with the AIDS virus in a strong strain. He was dead in due course.
Sylvia had to be shut up because she found these things out after she died. Her father told her when they met up as ghosts. Those who were murdered were all coming forward. Their deaths were either deemed suicide or accidental deaths.
Madison felt she had to communicate this to the police as quickly as possible before so someone charted for death could be prevented.
What do you make of this Maria? A secret organization which arranges high profile deaths & they cover them up so deeply no one who speaks against the cause of death is believed. They are judged to be the crazy ones imagining the bizarre & weird. Everyone laughs and moves on continually.
Well, I plan on making a run at this one. Even though being in Redcliff might prejudice my case. I will have to have Scottie’s help. First by getting me out of Redcliff. It must be done. It is the only way the ghosts I have met will be set free. Released to go home or reincarnate. They may have had enough of life but maybe not.
That is enough for now. This one’s a whooper.
Ps. I am not crazy nor am I making this whole thing up. Ghosts told me the whole story. As much as they have been able to sort out on their own.
© Madison Taylor 2008
“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker
Schubert – “Serenade
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor