secret keeper

Writing is…a time travellers lost voyage

inner self

May 28th 2017 My life is filled with being creative . loving my life partner & our animals . being an artist . writer . poet . blogger . supporting multiple progressive causes . last year we decided to create a British Garden . the second year we added several new types of flowers . no veggies . but we will always do herbs . this year loads of morel mushrooms . starting to grow own catnip . sunflower seeds (last two for animals) . irises in honor of Vincent van Gogh . i use Pinterest as my public & private scrapbook . working on many writing projects . i love Scrivener & WORD but the 1st more.

Three Thursdays ago my laptop computer crashed frying the motherboard. I thought I had lost all my writings . paintings . visual collections . but alas not due to an excellent computer techie . i first thought the crash was caused by the latest grand Windows 10 update . they told me to erase my flash drive . needed the space to upload an iOS system to override the present Windows . no success & I lost all the data on my Flash Drive. I don’t like Clouds in the data sense. I plan on trying a different method to save in future. I thought I would go mad instead I went Zen & played plus borrowing my life partners other laptop. I do have a tablet but not suited for the work i do.

Have my new laptop. I set it up in less than a week. It is the grandest of friends. My mind has returned toward functioning almost fully along with laptop. Did lots of writing poetry while away. Working on collecting. Pinterest has kept me going . and the world conditions . Manchester . and the idiot world leader the US doesn’t want to claim as their own . i feel a watergate type of ending for this one & maybe for most of the cabinet & family. we’ll see how things turn out. I am a member of The Resistance . Viva La Resistance! – j.kiley ’17

July 26th 2016 Fired two psychotherapists in July. Don’t plan on seeing anyone else. It may mean never again. We’ll see. Found out my psychotherapist who had major surgeries and was supposed to eventually return after a long recovery, she is not coming back. I was told this on July 14th, one week and two days before my birthday and the day after I fell and crashed my right knee into a slate floor. All I could see were the 4 week old puppies, not the step. Had my sunglasses on. Wear them everywhere except at home, unless I have a migraine. It took four people to get me up after the fall. I was in so much pain and sick to my stomach. Next day, I was sent for x-rays for a possible fracture. Nothing broken. The contusion was the size of half a baseball and I couldn’t use the leg. I iced it for over 10 days. It still is swollen. Time has started when all the glorious colors are showing through from under the surface. Walking it a touch better, but it was pretty fucked up before the fall. My neurologist is trying to unravel that puzzle. Also, getting off Inderal. I have this feeling it has been poisoning me for many years. It’s a bitch getting it out of my system. Doing a gradual withdrawal. The first week, it made me feel like I was having a heart attack. Now it just makes me feel sea sick half the time. I use my medical cannabis to relieve the symptoms. It doesn’t always work for this shit but it makes me feel high otherwise so I do get distracted from it all. Lost in time. Writing out from my mind. Freeing the cells. Feel the ideas generating heat. Express what comes forward. Wanting the sense to have some thought of revelations. Not apocalyptical. Insight to all the queries. Answers would be delightful. Opening up to gather pieces. Puzzle solving follows close behind. Lastly, I had a transformative birthday. Decided, with encouragement, the day of one’s birth is a great day for reevaluating one’s course. Not on the New Year but nearer one’s beginning here again. – j.kiley
💫 ✨ ♥ ♠ ♦ ♣ ⌚ 🎩 💨 🌿

April 14th 2016. My eye sight has returned even stronger. My artistic life is becoming more active. Working on my new novel. Writing my poetry from internal inspirations and help from the Muse is calling me to write from an inner place that needs freedom of expression. Painting has become important to me and is allowing me to develop my own style and feelings while I work or think about working. All of these take time. Plus I need to devote more time to healing and creating time to watch films, documentaries, and binge watching new series I keep discovering or my partner discovers for me. She is as good at finding some gems as I am. Plus there is all the other off work time for great series British and American, we are both into watching together as a family. My priorities are in need of prioritizing. Which means less time for the way I have been doing my blog. The fun has become not so much fun. I need to introduce more spontaneity and less compulsive needs to be so organized. My idea of doing at least one post a day may change in what I hope will take me in a good direction. I especially want time to spend on blogs I miss visiting and that needs to change drastically. I WANT TO ADD MORE FUN INTO MY LIFE. I WANT TO RELAX MORE. ENJOY MYSELF WITHOUT SUCH EXTREME EXPECTATIONS. I post the DOOR 5 Word Challenge on Mondays. I will keep doing this as long as anyone is interested in taking the challenge. But I have lost my ability to be spontaneous with creating something special from the word challenge. I think the main reason for me is I need to write my own words from inside of me on what is being created inside my head that needs attention. This I need more time for. I want to write my poems. I want to write my novel. I want to paint my paintings. And I want to relax without HIGH EXPECTATIONS or a feeling I must be doing something else outside of what I am enjoying at the moment. I ESPECIALLY NEED TO BE ALIVE IN THE MOMENT AND LET MYSELF OUT TO PLAY. So I am changing things up. I have lost a great deal this past 6 months and I am going to be losing more. But also I am gaining more in my life than I have ever had before. I have been working toward this direction for awhile but could never figure out how to get to this place. It is a transition from Hell into I hope eventually a place that nurtures me in all ways possible. Hell is where I am now. But I am hoping to sort it out in my favor and in the favor of my friends and creativity and Imagination. Give me the strength to get to the other side of this insane Hell I keep tripping into. It doesn’t like getting out of my way. Always interfering. When it all feels like it is going to become just right – RUN FOR THE HILLS – That’s when the worse begins to happen. My therapist is in healing for an indeterminate amount of time. I do hope she does return someday. I miss her. She would always tell me never to tell how well I am doing. It was a sure sign I would fall into a deep depression. Well, I want none of that. So it’s time to take time to give myself what I need to heal. A good rest and doing only what I want to do and/or need to do. – kiley ❤ ps. I have met with a Temp Psychotherapist twice and intend to continue seeing HIM [ I am surprised – never thought I would see another male & thought I had my missed psychotherapist for life or as close to that as possible. I feel like Alice In Wonderland and fallen down the Rabbit Hole for real. Everything has stopped being what it was and has become things completely different. Nothing is certain except one thing. Need I say What? Spring will bring a new world.

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March 28th 2016. On this date in another century, Virginia Woolf walked into a river laden with stone filled pockets. I only remembered earlier today this was the day. I keep track of Virginia. I feel close to her spirit. But for today I wanted to write a note in Secret Keeper. Here goes. I decided a short while back to make some alterations in my life. Changes in my life brought me into a  realization, I have to be the director in my life. My therapist is my guide. She has stepped aside for an indefinite length of time so I am going to do some try outs for someone temporary to sit in a different seat and talk with me about whatever needs attention, usually immediately. That is one change, hoping to be temporary. I am writing a new book filled with so many surprises popping up everyday. It is a book relating to nothing in my own life. Scrivener is my cauldron for conjuring the manifestations of this new world of the mysterious and mystical. Our external home environment just went through a majorly deep overhaul and continues that journey. I want rose trees like in Alice – yellow & white and maybe some white & fire. My partner and I are co-creating a children – possibly leading into a series. Our animals are loving as always and doing there best to be good but it’s so difficult for Cats Chinchillas Degue Mice and Parrot to be completely without moods. But love is what exists the strongest. So my Bipolar has been mixing it up but helpful with writing and painting. Not so good in moments of stress. Perfection is impossible but I am moving around Up & Down. Eye Surgery in two days. Life can only improve after that. Also, I am going by one of my grandmother’s last name as my first name. Kiley. It feels right to me claiming her closer to me. So will be back and more active on my blog once again very soon. – Kiley

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On 15th Sept. I wanted to add I am working as a contributor to the online publication Expats Post. I write film reviews, poetry, and occasionally essays or other material. I am working with my partner Shawn on a children’s book series. I am editing 3 novels and working on a screenplay. I will always write poetry whenever the words rise up from the Muse whispering the words into my mind. Chi has rediscovered my road toward enlightenment through meditation, breathing, exercise and eating. It is a difficult practice to be diligent with, but I work on it when I don’t always realize it is happening. Studying Yoga in college and meditating over the years helps guide me into my new venture toward improving my health. I love to write. Haiku and poetry are my favorite form of working with words. And I love to write stories. Mainly, to express emotional and intellectual communications between my characters. I do like to tell stories to see where they will go and how they will turn out when I reach their natural conclusions.

The following is a more in depth synopsis of the destructive way my life began and how I am constantly trying to turn it around so that I am able to live inside of it with the minimal amount of pain. I use medical marijuana now, legally, that really helps with a great deal of what my whole being has to experience. I laugh as often as possible. Laughter is the healthiest way to release all the toxins, stress, and pressures of the day, week, month, and year. Life is an experiment in frustration and fun. I prefer the fun but the frustration really bothers me and it drives me mad, literally. So read on. The rest was written when I was more willing to let the raw part of the truth to reveal it self. jk-tsk 15th Sept 2015

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i am the shy one and the secret keeper; i listen; writing is my voice; not really talkative unless one of us or all of us have a manic episode; love animals, films, books, art, music, television; have a great many stories to tell; have complex-ptsd. we were finally told about the bipolar. we do experience extreme depressive episodes with intense depths that usually dive into overwhelming suicidal feelings – have verbal contracts not to do anything – emergency steps are in place; we were sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally abused; tortured; physically injured; kidnapped and suffered bondage as a child; i have agoraphobia; panic disorder; anxiety disorder; have been in psychotherapy since i was 19 seeing a multiplicity of therapists – lost count (my best therapist recently abandoned me abruptly – i think i was in love with her) – new therapist is good but very manic with her; lesbian in spirit; attracted to women; find some men quite beautiful, james dean and river phoenix come to mind; celibate but not abstinent; sexually dysfunctional; the abuse made it unable for me to respond to a sexually intimate experience – i always shut down to sexual stimulation from another person; live with a woman and many animals; my multi-colored protector – bites me to protect me when my partner or our other animals approach me suddenly when she is on my lap or being physically close to me; love stana katic; i am a stanatic and addicted to tv show castle – have ocd (obsessive castle disorder); modern family is my favorite all time sitcom; film trivia expert; collect quotations, poems, song lyrics, writing my own poetry collection; writing an auto-biographical manuscript plus other writing projects in the fictional and screenwriting realm; looking forward to being inspired to write many blog posts when my muse inspires me (which is almost all the the time – i think she might be manic too) or the divine madness possesses me and i find a strong urge to be creative with words to express my emotions and thoughts or have an idea i would like to share. lastly i edited this on 5.16.11 to add that my best friend who was quite young died suddenly a short time ago. she was my texting buddy; therapy group friend and major support in the outside world and was helping me to cope with the loss of my last therapist M. so many triggers set me off about her and M. found several songs that remind me of her (actually both of them) – they overlap in the sadness department. my friend died and i am now allowed contact with my former therapist. it isn’t verboten. finding the songs were at the suggestion of my new therapist. she felt it would help me to remember my friend better but she is in my soul, heart and thoughts. (i also think her spirit visits me), i feel like i have lost so many important people, always so suddenly, in my life and it started when i was a kid but that is not why i was created. that is one of my many secrets. ~jen~
ps. Today is April 18, 2013. I just took a look at my about the secret keeper. I think it time to do an overhaul of this page. More art, more posters, up to date information. It is now on my mind and will enter my to do list. We will see how long it takes me to get around to the process. Namaste. jk the secret keeper 😎 🙄 🙂

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Added on 23rd Sept. 2015: I wrote earlier I love to laugh. So, I decided to give you something to laugh about. Enjoy the following. A post from many years ago, I discovered in my wanderings through the past.

“There’s Nothing Like A Good Joke & That’s Nothing Like a Good Joke”
Created By ~the secret keeper~

my spirit animal

(All Uncredited Quotes Were Made By Anonymous Donors.)

“I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.” (This is So Me)

“If it weren’t for Edison, we’d be watching TV by candlelight.” ~George Gobol~

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.” ~Mark Twain~

“People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven’t got what they want that they don’t want it.” ~Ogden Nash~

“I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.”

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” ~Ellen DeGeneres~

“Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste”

“If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.”

“It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.”

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
~Ernest Hemingway~

“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in there? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” ~Sue Murphy~

“If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.” ~Dave Allen~

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” ~Carl Gustav Jung~ (Wait for it…Just wait for it. I didn’t get it at first. Read it again. There you go—Got It!)

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.”

“Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.”

“What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?”

“In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment.”

“Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.”

“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”
~William S. Burroughs~

“Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.”

“Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?”

“As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.” ~Hell’s angels~ (Quite Philosophically Profound.)

“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.'” ~Demetri Martin~

“Microsoft bought Skype for 8,5 billions!…what a bunch of idiots! I downloaded it for free!”

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”

“Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.”

“Now, Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“So you were gone until you returned?” (Questions lawyers ask in court.)

“I don’t have a license to kill. I have learners permit!”

“Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.”

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’” ~Bruce Baum~ (A Real Stoner Moment.)

“God grant me the serenity to accept that some people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.”

“Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition!”

“Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing?” ~James Roday~ (Another SToner Quote.)

“There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.”

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” ~G K Chesterton~

“Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.” ~Mae West~

“Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.”

“I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.”

“Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?”

“Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.” ~Albert Einstein~

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~Robert McCloskey~

“I’m afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.” ~Woody Allen~

“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.”

“My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.”

“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” ~James Thurber~

“When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.”

“A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.” ~Steven Wright~

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” ~Mark Twain~

“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” ~George Burns~

“To err is human, to arr is pirate.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
~Henny Youngman~

“Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?”

“I’ve met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.”
~Ambrose Bierce~

23 thoughts on “secret keeper

    • hi! it is a warm day and settling down. about to watch a film on HBO about Ernest Hemingway with Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen. starting checking the blog out you suggested, it just might be the perfect place for me right now. thank you. have a great evening.

      jen

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  1. You’re such a good writer. I failed to read your blog before. For someone that is going through so much you have so much to offer. I like that we communicate may we can help each other. Be strong my friend and keep writing.

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    • that is so nice of you to say that. i love to write. have been doing it since i was a kid. stopped for awhile. had a very non-productive therapist for awhile who drained me of any creative energy. but then i found my muse through my next therapist. she is gone now but she still is my muse. the therapist i see now is also encouraging. i think it would be good to see if we can give each other support. it is hard to make it through sometimes but somehow we both seem to find our way. write to me when you wish and i will get back to you as fast as i can. if i am slow on responding it is probably i am really stressed out that i can’t handle dealing with anything in my life except to be depressed. but i will try to be there for you as much as i am able. i expect that you will have times when you will feel the same. but we will both make it through. i believe that. best to you. jennifer

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      • Your welcome! It feels good to write. You get everything out of your head and I find that when I just start writing things come to me. I can’t plan too much because I’ll get confused. I just start writing. I call it free writing. I took a journalism class and that’s how he taught us. I do have ADD and the grammer and punctuation does come easy for me. I was made fun of most of my life on my writing skills. I don’t care any more I just write. If people want to use their energy making fun of others or tell them their doing it the wrong way that’s their problem . I would love for us to be support buddies. Yes, we all need someone to talk to and understand what we are going through. I worry about your suicidal thoughts. Keep them wrapped up. Like you I may not respond right away, but I will be there for you.

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  2. Pingback: “Get your girl, Son!” Father’s Day Snippet from “CHARMEINE” in “The Light-Bearer Series” THANK YOU for 7 AWARDS! « "The Light-Bearer Series" Novelist, Emily Guido

    • unfortunately it is the only one my theme has available. i’ve been thinking about trying to add more fonts but haven’t been able to track down doing that. i do like using italics. it makes the lettering look much better. you may needo just enlarge your imaging. jen

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    • I had just turned 48. Night time was and still is when I am most awake. So, I had an immediate view of what terrible things were happening to Diana. She was 16 years younger than me. A child when she married. I was so impressed with how she focused on those in the world who needed special care. I will look forward to hear from you. No rush. Thank Linda for dropping me a note. Jennifer

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  3. You have inspired me to write again! I’m also bipolar, PTSD, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder. Writing keeps me sane. I favor it much more than talking. Do you have any book suggestions? That is my other introvert hobby, reading. Be well 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so pleased you have been inspired to write. It does free the self. I would recommend anything by Kay Redfield Jamison, particularly “Touched [with or by] Fire. Brilliant book on the artistic temperament, esp in people touched with bipolar. This book helped me a great deal after I received my diagnosis of bipolar. Check out the writings of Tom Wooten.?sp. I will get back to you on his name. I love reading. Haven’t had as much time as I like to read but when I find a book that moves me I can’t put it down. Take care of yourself. 🙂

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      • You choose a theme. Some are free. I decided to go for one that wasn’t but its not too expensive. I set up my own color scheme. I choose the banner image from my photo collection. Oh yes I color images. Have too many to even know how many to choose from. With WordPress it is pretty easy. They help as much as possible. I would be willing to help you if you decided to set up your own blog. Walk you thru it. It is a good outlet for the person doing the blog. It takes time to build up a following. I learned by just experimenting. My blog goes thru transformations all the time. It is in the middle of one now. Good luck if you try it. 🙂

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