6 thoughts on “A Special Response

    • Just go a touch bananas and you become the Cheshire cat.

      I discovered a fact today that Lewis Carroll may have had migraines of the making they call today the Alice & Wonderland Syndrome. The particular patient in question had hallucinations of the nature of what Carroll writes about in this Alice series. Cards flying – dragons – being smaller than taller again etc. He thought he was mad but the doctors proved the hallucinations were caused by the migraines. It may have where Carroll found the imaginative descriptions of Wonderland and Beyond the Looking Glass.

      I do have migraines quite often. My Pain Management Doctor is going to try Botox on me to see if that will help eliminate them. I can’t say for a fact I have ever hallucinated from anything other than Magic Mushrooms & LSD. But have you hear John Hopkins University is doing a research study that may be ready by 2024 for use on us humans who are not in the study – psilocybin for depression, anxiety and sleep. The hallucinations are an added benefit. Since I am unable to use medical cannabis any longer it would be nice to get high on something I am not allergic too. They are working now on trying to get the drug moved from a Schedule 1 drug to a Schedule 4. (1) has no medical value whereas (4) does – which eventually lead to its legality in being used as medicine.

      I am starting to feel much better & I am eating again adding more foods to the menu on a gradual basis. I started seeing a new Physical Therapist who comes to my home twice a week starting this week. Shawn is going to work with us. We are going to try to get me to be able to walk again. It has been a long time since I have been able to. My legs went wonky on me in a gradual suddenly. No one can figure out the reasons and I have had tests through the Mayo Clinic and been seen by a great neurologist. My Psychotherapist Steven (Dr. Mann). He figured out what was wrong. It’s called Functional Neurological Syndrome. My brain is miswired which can cause many different symptoms – one of which is the sudden inability to walk. Now we need to find out why. He figures it is from all the Traumas in my life starting when I was a young child but I feel it goes back even before I was born when my mother threw herself down the cellar stairs to try to abort me before I was almost ready to start life. I haven’t talked to Steven about this yet. The list is too long on the number of traumas I have experienced but I am working with Steven and Steve Rucker my PCP (Primary Care Provider) to figure this all out. One thing Steven said I need to think positive. The same thing can occur – my inability to walk. But I am starting to feel stronger b/c I am finally opening up to Steven about my mother. A good place to start. And the PT is going to be intense. I like Craig but he is tough.

      Hope I haven’t overwhelmed you. But it means I will try harder to be more available. Let me know when & if you need anything. j.k ❣🌹💻🎨🌈

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  1. ONE DRIFTING DREAM

    Were not each drifting dream
    Some hallucination or other or
    For that matter – our today?

    For do we not swim by we
    So caught in our ocean of
    Counterfeit conjectures?

    Let us all then imagine
    All of one another as if
    As if imagined by us all

    As they all imagine us
    As if As if As if As if
    As if As if As if

    As if As if
    As if

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Sending you much big love whenever I am able (as to Shawn also as I know how much your pain is painful for her too). Much ancient shit surfacing at present with me. Principally a subpersonality rooted in early life who has little ability to cope with frustration and is stuffed with a virulent anger that takes over (destroying a mobile phone and a thermostat regulator in recent weeks for example) and is full of hatred and who has a very vocal death wish which – of course – covers great pain and despair. I have to manage and work with this on my own as I have always been unwilling to trust others especially since most of the counsellors/therapists I have come across are deeply upfucked themselves. Meditation/mindfulness is the greatest tool I have but in the end it’s up to me I know. No longer having Margaret’s companionship is a great absence. I realise she also sheltered be from the big bad wide world. When not wanting to be (painlessly) dead (the aforementioned subpersonality) I declare that intend to be around for another thirty years yet, to achieve awakening and help others toward the same. This subpersonality on the other hand keeps declaring that there is nothing wrong with people that genocide won’t cure. Here’s to tomorrow where the titanic conflict will undoubtedly continue. 🙂

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    So good to read that you are eating and walking again. Remember that your body is only an emanation of your spirit with all that that implies. ❤

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    • Not quite so fast as that. I am doing PT & OT. Only at present learning to build muscles I hope will work. A long battle. I want my body back. I wish Margaret could come back to you. It is a terrible loss. I’ve known too many. I can imagine you level of anger. Not just from being bipolar but the frustration your world has been shaken apart. You are such a good person it’s not a surprise a dark undercurrent has arisen and wants to be destructive. Smash things that won’t harm you. Buy some old dishes and find a a special safe place to hurl them into little pieces and use those expletives. Shout & scream. You have earned the right. You survived and she didn’t.

      I’m going in for a breast biopsy on Fri 9th Nov next week. And I am angry and scared and trying not to go to the bad thoughts. I will let you know the results. I should have them on Wed 14th Nov. I am telling you this b/c I don’t want cancer again. I know part of what Margaret went through. I managed through some miracle to survive. Why do they choose some of us and not others? And who decides whos goiing to make it. It’s like someone is playing a dark game of chess where some pieces are sacrificed to save the King. Why is he so important?

      We are drifting – like in a dream – it’s quite possible. But whose. Are we in each others dreams? Mine tend too often to be nightmares. Does that drift into others dream life. Presently we are living inside of hell where the resistance is struggling to keep us from drowning.

      I am sorry you have not found a good therapist. They are very scarce. I do believe I have finally after at 20 since I wa 19 to find someone who I think is actually going to help me & understand me. There is a great deal to understand.

      I am working on my body but it exhausts me so I fall asleep w/ little strength to write. My bipolar mania kicks in sometimes so I am able to write to you. Which I want to do more than anything. I wish I could be there for you. Where you would have someone to vent your feelings. i would listen. I would never walk away.

      Mindfulness and meditation help. Doing Acupunture helps. But you need someone special. You need Margaret which is alright & makes complete sense it would drive you mad she is not with you physically. I couldn’t make it without Shawn. I would lose my mind entirely – what’s left of it. Suicide is not often far from my thoughts even though when in my right state I am afraid to die. I don’t want to die though I write about it all the time when I am able to write. My trilogy – the last one is about the after life and my take on what I think it is. What happens etc.

      As for genocide – I would like to see a certain leader close to home & his tribe of white supremesists & racist etc disappear for good and let the world heal. We need to get on with the inclusion of all in a just society. And that 0.1% – break it down and spread it out so the world can rebuild. Homes for all . jobs . education . whatever. Love – let it be prominant and help those who need it.

      A good dream & hope. Like John Lennon I Imagine One Drifting Dream. We are all in this together. Whenever you need me just let me know. ❣

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  2. Getting a better understanding of how my “dark” part works, where it came from (probably) and how to both manage it and heal it. It seems as if you too are making some progress even if it somewhat of an uphill struggle. My thoughts are with you, and you also Shawn a bit closer to home. A strange thing is happening, I think. I may be striking up a friendship with one of the women who works at the supermarket I go to daily. (Pert of my healthy and fitness programme is the two mile round trip which I can actually manage in half an hour if there isn’t a large queue at the checkout. Several “odd” incidents have drawn us into a more than ordinary customer/shop assistant relationship. Today, finally, I managed to pluck up the courage to give her a piece of paper with my e-mail address. The I ching predicts a positive out come in the future. We shall see. I’ll keep you posted.

    I do hope your breast biopsy doesn’t up anything alarming. Just not what you need on top of everything you are having to cope with between the medical and psychological issues the appalling political situation. Don’t go being afraid of dying. We’ve all been there and it’s only a change of state. I have never been afraid of death even as a child. I am sure I have been some kind of Buddhist or Taoist teacher in a recent lifetime. Too long winded to go into here 🙂 especially as it’s time to finish making my evening meal. Then some music and maybe an episode or two of Farscape. Claudia Black … (sighs)

    Love to you and Shawn. Give each other the biggest hugs from me. ❤

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    • I have been wanting to answer your comment for time now. It seems a month since it lands on the 1st day of Chanukah. By now more has probably happened in getting acquainted with the woman you met at the supermarket. A good walk too at the that. I do hope it is positive. Can’t wait to hear. | It’s good that you have begun to understand better the dark side. That is a rough connection and a major struggle at times. | Bad news getting better I hope. Right after finding out my biopsy results were benign. In less than 24 hours I reverted back to becoming very ill. I can’t say for sure how to recover from these constant bouts of illness. I better not think about it. It is a cycle which keeps returning. It’s connected to my harmful childhood. It was toxic. Now I need to rewire my brain so my stomach brain can recover. It’s really horrible. It’s almost impossible to eat. Since it is not related to pot my doctor wrote out new paperwork for me to renew my license. But even I am afraid to use it. | Today is the first day I have been able to work on my blog. I did some holiday things & I am leaving it at that until the New Year. | If all is going fine with the new person you met may I know her name. I do wish you a Happy Holiday from Shawn, the animals & me. I do hope your pain is healing you. Some pains can do that But slowly. Write to me when you can. I miss you & missed you. I had you in my mind as much as I was able. And I so wanted to tell you I do hope you have found some happiness. You may be a Buddhist Monk but even the best of us have life smack us around. I am sending you a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Love Always. ❣

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