WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.
private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst
I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.
see you down the rabbit hole.
Private Writings: Chapter #64 — “Got To Get It Out of My Mind”
Tuesday 25th November 2008
I have written you a note regarding a brilliant young woman on a video talking on Bipolar. I watched it here at Redcliff Psychiatric Institute a few nights ago. It might have been. Time is tripping on its self. Can’t remember if it is the beginning of the week or just ending. It’s all relative, I suppose. I am including an attachment in my email. It may be too large. If so I will mail video to you via registered mail. I want to be certain it is received.
Maybe you do or don’t realize it, but I have been writing to you for just over a year. We reached one goal. You becoming my psychoanalyst & my feeling heard. You have motivated me to heal. Who would know that demons would be constantly invading my mind, my body, my spirit & my emotional state. It lives for lying in wait so it can shock me or torment me with uncertainty and lies.
I’d like to tell you about the video I am sending to you. An intelligent young woman talks calmly and with a depth of sensitively about Bipolar. What she says is enlightening and has given me more insight into my Bipolar and how it affects me. Most of the time I am not aware when I am manic. Being depressed and suicidal is easier to read but being high on misfiring brain chemicals is not quite as obvious to me.
Scottie is always telling me when I am being manic. I really am not aware of the racing thoughts rushing out of my brain. Subjects fly out of by mouth in rapid fire. When I am working, it’s not unusual to have multiple projects happening at any given moment. I thrive on the action and fly high inside the inspiration my muse is feeding me. So much to unveil & never time. Time whips by while the sun sets & rises way too quickly. Who thinks about sleep when you feel so alive and alert.
Anyway, I was just adding on this note to mention the video. Please watch. When I get out of here & back into my world & my life, things will settle down. Then we can work on getting my life back under control & try to clean out my life of all the regenerates who suck my blood and energy, leaching it away from me.
I’d like us to listen to this video together at our next session in your office. We can talk about what we both feel is relevant. It may actually help draw me into my gaining a better mindset. Maybe I will learn enough to help me find some self-confidence inside.
Once I’m able to get back into writing & painting, I will do better I feel confident I will recover. At present I feel nothing. No more suicide attempts. No letting people into my life who are fakes & phonies who just want a connection. Always trying to use me to get to Scottie. The sycophantic, talent buried deep enough not to be reached until they have another incarnation. Trying to work me when Scottie seems disinterested, or she just doesn’t see the actor behind their masks.
All those masks that the want-to-be’s wear. I have a theory, which will probably sound crazy, but I think Oscar Wilde understood it too well when he wrote “The Picture of Dorian Grey.” Many want-to-be’s are so diabolical, they probably do have a version of a Dorian Grey portrait in their attics. What must some of the worst look like. And I don’t mean worst actors, the portraits probably belong to those amongst the Great Ones.
No hypothetical conjectures on who I think are working with the Devil and living under the influence of Evil every moment. The rumors of the famous killing off fallen stars so they can suck up what fame was left. They bask in the Brightness of the Light of the Prematurely Dead who die under unusual circumstances, usually connected to drug overdoses. Don’t you just find these deaths mysterious and disturbing? No one will ever admit openly they are murdering Stars that once were or are now too much trouble.
Keep these thoughts stored in your mind. Think not that I speak from a mind filled with madness. That is another state of mind to store in your memory. The Original Star system may have overworked their Stars but the system really made an effort to actually create the Stars who glowed as Bright as a rainbow star high up in the sky. Today, we are lucky to have actors who want to act and do not seek the “celebrity.”
Celebrity is a whole other experience than being a Star. A Star emanates pure blissful centeredness. They are Pure Light. You can see it when they are up on the Silver Screen. A certain aura circles around their whole being. At the center of the Star Circle are the acting magic of Movie Stars like Greta Garbo, Katherine Hepburn, Elizabeth Taylor, Cary Grant [has a European Delicacy, yet came up from Vaudeville], Humphrey Bogart, James Stewart, Spencer Tracy, the Barrymores, Charlie Chaplin, Norma Shearer, Bette Davis, Joan Fontaine, Olivia de Havilland, Barbara Stanwyck, Carole Lombard, William Powell, Myrna Loy, Irene Dunne, Lawrence Olivier, Vivien Leigh, Ingrid Bergman, Clark Gable, while Gable feels like he came from the other-side-of-the-tracks. Not sure if he did but feelings count in how you respond to your favorite Stars. She wanted to be alone, only because she was never left alone but instead she was constantly pursued by the paparazzi, however back then called the PR Department of the Studios.
I just want to concentrate on my art, not on the climbers.
I am so looking forward to seeing you & getting a long hug. The peace I find with you, sets off the Zen in my mind.
Hopefully, it won’t be too long before I get released.
I miss you & love you & need you now. It is so painful being without you.
We can talk sometime after I get out of Redcliff.
For now I need to stop.
© madison taylor 2008
“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor