Private Writings: Chapter #58 – All Together When?
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 22nd April 2014
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.
private writings to dr. annie haskell
I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time
see you down the rabbit hole.
Private Writings: Chapter #58 — All Together When?
[Madison’s Fifth Week Being Held at Redcliff Psychiatric Institute After a Failed Suicide Attempt…]
Tuesday 14th October 2008
There is something important, I wish I could talk over with you. Something I know that I am not sure I should share with Dr. V. It may create some doubt in her mind and maybe in yours as well, that I am not as sane as you both would like me to be. I am eccentric and have abilities that many doubt have any validity in this culture’s reality. The Eastern World Philosophy would understand and maybe people who believe in possibilities but a great many would think in the way of the Spanish Inquisition and Puritan New England in the beginning for white immigrants from overseas. Those people had a bad habit of burning the knowledgeable and wise at the stake. The mystics and pagans who followed other than the Church of Holy Rome.
Today is it the Psychiatric Community. Or the Government wanting therapists monitoring our motives and behavior. Our sanity is in question. Wouldn’t that worry you if the Government wanted you to disappear, they just have some psychiatrists sign your life into oblivion.
Short today, had a writing project I was working on, It’s finished now. I have a new project I want to start. I want to switch my mind and challenge it up a degree or two. Goal is to write a theatre play. Will bring me close to my audience. Feel the bleeding in person. I want to work with a theatre director. And up close to the actors. Lots of professional interaction. I might even want to write a small part for myself. It is a long term bucket list item I made when I was a child. I started out wanting be an actor. Just once I can write a character for me. Por moi.
I will tell you more about it as it grows ideas into happening.
[omitted from the letter but needed to write about it. It doesn’t feel peculiar to me but I think my shrinks would question my methods of a sanity producing mindset. I want to communicate with Tosh more. A short while ago, after I had smoked some of my medical weed, I lay back on the family room’s most comfortable couch. As I relaxed on my back with head comfortably raised, I began talking out loud. Not to anyone in particular at first, but then my words were directed to Tosh. I was talking to her. Stories passed through my lips about the bizarreness of life and why was she dead. I was so happy to feel her hear me. Her presence was extremely strong. I knew she understood me. The connection was as clear as talking to you in your office.
I just relax and ask her if she would like to hang out and talk or listen. She’s always with me so she knows everything I reveal in private with only myself. Tosh is there. I love knowing she is around me. It lifts up the sensations in my mind and body. I feel her touch as the caress of a warm slightly heavy breeze. Your breath touches me inside. It is contact with you. I understand to believe is important in being able to touch both our worlds together,] [I think I am going to use this method to communicate with Tosh. Being a ghost doesn’t give you knowledge, you have to learn it on all planes of existence. The existence after we exist in this experiment. It must go on until it stops.] [ending the private communications.]
A new day in my late afternoon.
After reading some of what my thoughts and ideas, I am going to move forward and write the play I hope to take to Broadway. I am excited. I may be flipping over from a depressed state into a gradual flow into manic.
At this moment, I want to have one of our wild sessions. Where we batted the words back and forth. Digging deep into the meanings. When did humans begin thinking and denoting the meaning of the words that were being created to communicate? We have evolved, some by devolving and helping to ruin the planet faster than necessary.
I want to paint. Maybe I will find my story by looking inside a painting. One of my own or one from an artist I love. There are so many talented painters. Some who are genius and inspire creativity from within other divinely mad souls. We look for meaning by not looking for it. It will show a glimpse of itself which we will see out from the corners. Everywhere or somewhere there are always corners.
I must thank you for leading me to the door. The choice to open it was mine. What has been released cannot be returned. It is free. Free to do anything that comes to mind or something we feel in our heart.
[omission time out. Not for letter to Annie. When I think of you, I melt a touch inside. Whoever you are, my secret lover, please come to me now. I have a secret to tell. There is a new game I want to make up, that we can play. I can make a confession no matter how serious or silly, it is mine to choose. I will record any confession Tosh might want to express. Truth or Truth No Dare. What do I feel for Tosh? Or better what did I feel for Tosh after I first made contact with her? Our eyes, I looked deep into your eyes as you looked deep into mine. We were locked in an embrace of vision. Transferring images and interpretations of the symbols we presented. The eyes wanted as much as we both could allow ourselves to give and take. It was a secret look that must be protected from evil that was surrounding us from the first moment our consciousness merged. I loved you more as the moments became longer and deeper. You were merging with my soul. I don’t feel the same for Annie but I have feelings for Annie that go beyond intense. How do I tell you. I must. It is our destiny. We have a future already written. It is essential we complete our missions for being here now at this time and space. It will save a future event from being wiped off the memories of those who have lived beyond us already. Omission section has ended. Remainder of the notes and diary entries can be sent to Annie.]
I would like to close this letter by telling you Helen has been able to tell some amazing stories about her life in the theatre. She is the one who inspired me to want to write a play for the stage. Getting into my roots. How about a lesbian “A Streetcar Named Desire?” Let me sleep on this and I will write to you about a list I am thinking of making for when I go home. Top of the list is to hug and sleep with all our cats. They must think I have abandoned them, especially James & Toker & Mikey & Patrick. I love em all. I think when I go home I want to have a big barbeque and invite only a select group of people. I don’t want to see too many people. Once I get settled back into my routine I will start work on my play. What shall I call it? “Desire Is My Temptation.”
I can see it on the neon sign now in bold lettering the color of black, gold and white.
“DESIRE IS MY TEMPTATION”
OSCAR NOMINATED SCREENWRITER
COMING TO BROADWAY IN FALL 2009
If I write it while I am recovering in Redcliff, then polish it when I am back in… I forgot. I was going to say when I am cozy in my study with my laptop and Tablet, I could tighten up and work out the play until I feel it is ready to test it out on real actors and good directing. I think it’s good for me to focus on a future. Changing the focus and some of the people will give me a chance to work on my recovery. I think it’s a matter of finding life again that has feelings, safety and love in it. Surround myself with family and close friends. And you know when I say family, I mean those of us who live at the Chateau de Rocher.
I will keep writing and working on ideas for my play, “Desire Is My Temptation.” Cool title. Now I just need to make the title into a Great Play which someday will be worthy of Broadway. Create great characters and cast the greatest actors for the parts. And I will study with someone good in NYC. That is where I would hope we would end up. I would have to relocate if it got to that point but only during the run, if it needed me. I was thinking I would want to cast myself as an understudy for one of the more challenging parts. It will be great. I don’t feel I am being delusional or hallucinating or filling myself up with illusion that will never happen. It will happen. I have a feeling that “Everything is going to be coming up roses and daffodils for me and for you.”
I can’t wait until we all have a snuggle pajama party when I get out of here. We will talk about what to do to cleanse and reclaim my study and creative power center. It will have to be some heavy mojo to cleanse that space. I don’t want to be able to even remember what happened in the safest place on the planet for me. Lots of nightmares. I tell them to Dr. V. She is a good listener and what she tells me makes feel a little bit. But it’s too dark for me to go inside. That sets off the depression and suicidal thoughts when I think of the rape. It opens the window to all of them all jumbled up in my memories, subconscious and unconscious. It would be great to have Jung and Freud working with me. By now they would have worked out all their inhibition and oversimplification of sex being at the root of all neuroses, psychoses, hallucinations and all other present day disorders. BiPolar and now I am thinking I may have ADHD. My attention is gone unless I am in the middle of a Project. Nothing distracts me when I am on that level of concentration.
I think that’s all for now. If something occurs to me I will write it down and send in my next letter.
© Madison Taylor 2008
“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor