Private Writings: Chapter #47 — Just One More Time

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #47 — Just One More Time

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 4th February 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #47 — Just One More Time

Tuesday 29th July 2008

Dear Annie,

I am going to tell you a story. It is true. It really did happen. The press never found this one out. There are only a few people who know this. You are about to become one of those few. Absolute secrecy has to be swore before you can read any further. Promise never to repeat even a word of this very private affair.

In all happened in 1997. She was 23. I was 25. Scottie and I had been together since we met at Yale, We were both in Drama and Film Studies. That was 7 years back from 1997. So, at this time we had established ourselves into making Independent Films. I wrote the scripts. Scottie directed. We both had money, and my grandmother left me an inheritance that makes me set for life times to come. Somehow, I will have to figure out how to leave some of it for future reincarnated selves. All the rest will go to Scottie and Alison and maybe some grandkids.

I got a wee bit off track. The money plays a part in this story, in that it enabled us to create our own production company. We named it, “Infinite Imaginations, Inc.” It belonged to both of us equally. As I noted, I wrote and Scottie directed and edited. She loves the editing. I wrote a script with a great female lead. When it came time to cast, we were looking for someone with no visible history, an unknown. She needed to a young twenty-three year old. Specifics were 5′ 5″ and slender. A lady with blue, blue eyes, who can be rough within a softness inside. The hair must be wavy and moderately long. And she’ll needs a smile that slaughters and makes one weak at the knees. The last touches come from the tone of her body. It must be from someone who is familiar with nature, with an outside natural tan. Her hair must be light brown toward blondish with a brightness to it. Hair color, you can make it light but it must blend well with the skin color.

The try outs and screen tests were exciting. It was Scottie, myself, and our casting director, Cary Traynor, a great friend we met while finishing our Film Studies at NYU. Living in the Village was a wild trip. We had a place on Bleeker Street and spent a lot of time in Washington Square Park filming. There was a small group of us who together worked on creating short films. I was the go to word person and Scottie was the force, she directed. But she was always doing editing, too. The final cut was her passion. The others in our group joined I.I.Inc. since the beginning. Our cinematographer is my beautiful gay friend. We have made a promise to each other. If some day we were old and alone, we would get married. But Scottie needs to be old with me.

Back to the try outs. I have a difficult time staying focused. At the try out, in walks the perfect female actor for the lead. Her photos and credits were in front of us. She looked so different in visual proximity. I was so knocked over by her presence, I forgot to breath. I stood up to do what I don’t remember, but I fainted dead away. When my eyes opened, everyone was standing around me. She was standing there, too. Her eyes looked into mine. They were hypnotic. My breathing was off. I had no idea how long I was out but the paramedics had just arrived. I just wanted to watch her.

The paramedics left me with a clean bill of health. I just needed to eat and hydrate. Always forgetting to do that. But back to the story.

Who was this person? I needed to find out. On her papers, her name is given as, Sylvia Kendell. A list of theatre productions, some Off-Broadway, some Repertory, and a few Productions at the Westport Country Playhouse. But nothing where she would have been too visible. That was actually in her favor. I told Scottie we should test her. My feelings were she was perfect. With an unanimous vote, Sylvia Kendell was about to find out if she was going to star as the lead to our very first film. It would be a complete virgin film production by I.I.Inc.

Sylvia tested extremely well. We had her read a part from my script and I read the lines with her while she was being filmed. Before the rewrites, the part of the script we read from takes place in a restaurant two women sitting at a table. These were the lines Sylvia Kendell read with me off camera:

S.K.
What does it mean, you don’t trust me?
What have I done?

M.T.
You lied. You knew she was back and never told me.

S.K.
You were away when she returned
and so angry with her.
I didn’t know how to tell you.
And didn’t want to hurt you.

M.T.
You betrayed me instead. Choose.
Either you’re my friend or hers.
It can’t be both.

S.K.
She’s my friend.
So, are you.
I will not choose.

M.T.
Then we are no longer friends.

S.K.
Please don’t do this.
I can’t bare to lose you.

M.T.
You already have. Are you blind.
What was between us is over.
Now it will be only business.

S.K.
Why are you doing this?

M.T.
It’s over.
We are nothing any longer.

S.K.
Didn’t I mean anything to you?

M.T.
You took any meaning away
with what you’re doing.

S.K.
I love you. How can you
destroy that love,
over my being friends
with someone else.

M.T.
It isn’t someone else.
It’s her. Now there is
no love left between us.
You mean absolutely
nothing to me.

S.K.
You are killing me here.

M.T.
Give her up then.
Send her away.
You let her go,
then I will tell you
what I feel for you.

S.K.
You’ve already told me you love me.
Was that a lie?

M.T.
I won’t say another word until
she is gone from your life.

S.K.
You are being irrational
and unreasonable.
I won’t give her up.

M.T.
I’ve got to go.

[M.K. Gets up from table and exits restaurant]

S.K.
What the bloody fuck just happened?

[She shows devastation on her face as she waves for the waiter]

FADE OUT

Sylvia was so powerful. She performed magic into the camera. The group were unanimous in Sylvia Kendell being cast into the lead. The best part was I got to work with her. Reading lines. Developing a film persona. Understanding the story. We became sidekicks. One night when she came over to work, Scottie had invited her for dinner before our work was to start. We had the greatest conversation. Scottie started to really notice her and Sylvia noticed Scottie in return. It made me feel jealous. But of what, I wasn’t sure.

After Scottie left, Sylvia and I went to my study to work. We sat on the settee in front of my desk and read more of the lines. As the words poured out of her mouth, I watched Sylvia’s lips moving but didn’t hear the words. When I was due to respond, I just looked at her. Scottie came into my mind. I saw Scottie kissing her and Sylvia kissing back. My jealousy started to surface and a reaction was building up in me of confusion, attraction, desire, fear and rage. What was I feeling? I don’t remember but Sylvia was suddenly very close to my body. She reached her hand out to touch my face. Somehow her face was only a few inches away. I saw her lips and could feel her hands touching my body. The sensations I began to feel in my veins were the surging of lava as her month gently caressed my opened lips. Was I suppose to respond? I didn’t know what to do. The feelings, I wanted, but were lips suppose to be hers?

My body shifted into a dissociative state. I felt her touches of skin but didn’t know what was happening or what parts of me were being touched. The messages to my brain were telling me my body was having automatic reactions to being touched. The contact with Sylvia was not voluntary. I wanted the sensations but not from her and not in this way. I didn’t know what to do to stop her, until I felt a rage coming up from inside of me.

Without hesitation, a loud voice sounded from within me. The words came out with command but calm. I told Sylvia it was time to stop. I had work to do. Would she please leave. She did. Very simple but also very complicated. That wasn’t the only time moments like this happened. Sylvia would continue her seduction and my feeling raped by a woman. I couldn’t stop her. And I was afraid to tell Scottie. I didn’t think she would understand. I still don’t understand how she understands what happened. I was being molested by a young female actor who was stronger than me at the time. I am still not strong enough for her or people like her. She seduces her way through life to get what she wants. If one way doesn’t work, she will go the down-dirty way.

So, my experience with I.I.Inc.’s virgin film was to be overpowered. Have a major wedge put between me and Scottie because we chose Sylvia Kendall to be in our first solo flight. The film turned out great. It got lots of award noms. Some wins but the nominations were glorious. I have been keeping a scrap book of our hits ever since.

I finally got up the courage to tell Scottie about the whole experience. Scottie told me she knew but wanted to hear it from me. She had always suspected something a bit off about Sylvia and me. And Sylvia’s history since has opened our awareness of just who and what she really is. She was going for both of us but Scottie rejected her. That meant I was to be her target. She hit a bull’s eye with me. I didn’t fight back. I gave her everything but it was never willingly. It was a coercion through brute force.

That is why Scottie knows I won’t betray her with anyone. Physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, I am not capable of having that kind of intimate relationship with anyone. On the physical level, for me, it is impossible. Scottie knows my inabilities with intimacy relate back to my family.

Nothing ended in childhood. The damage doesn’t stay behind. It is with you, haunting you silently with its invisibility. I just continue my battle using different methods of protection.

Now you promise never ever breath this to any other soul.

It is embarrassing to be abused as an adult by another woman. It raises up every kind of shame and irrational thought one can imagine. Feeling crazy is not an uncommon feeling. A familiar closeness to the edge, I feel, of what, I am not sure. The bipolar is enough of a confusion but with the addition of abuse and fearing it, takes energy to maintain one’s stability. But I have you Annie to help me.

I think that is enough truth to reveal.

One last thing, Scottie understands me. She knows me and loves me and I love her beyond time. Life would be nothing without sharing it with her. She knows how I feel but I always hope to reinforce this message with her. Sometimes the reminders find their way into my screenplays. Most things do.

But honestly, I’m a sexually functioning asexual lesbian. Remember This Twister Always! Self-Love Is Good-Love!

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I will end with my favorite quote from the film “Brief Sacrifice.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

For you, I will end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

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Just One More Time
By Madison Taylor
29th July 2008

Just one more time
Say the words
Speak the words together
Create three syllables
So often said
These words
Hold meaning
Carrying magic
In their sound
Let us hear them now
Said in earnest
With full depth
Completing the meaning
Using a voice
Filled
With gentle
Passion
And caring
Let the words
Say it
Speak it
Mean it
The
Three
Words
“I
Love
You”

(c) jKm 2008

© madison taylor 2008

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The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream

In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

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