Private Writings: Chapter #11 — Finding Identity
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
First Published March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Chapter #11 Posted 28st May 2013
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
Private Writings: Chapter #11 — Finding Identity
Tuesday, December 11th, 2007
Your news was extremely exciting to me. Graduation is just a few months away. Shortly, thereafter, you will be presented with your license to practice psychoanalysis. A brand new office will be yours. I imagine it with a black couch, one where one’s body sinks slightly into the softness of the cushions. You’ll have the most tasteful decor. An abstract piece of art hanging over the couch, where your eyes can get lost in while you listen intently to the complicated psychological issues of each of your needy and rather moderately needy clients. Of course, they will need you or they wouldn’t be seeing you. I am hoping I will be one of those patience who will be demanding of your time and needed attention. It is an assumption that you will want me to be one of your clients. Hopefully, I will be at the top of your list. Am I dreaming or will I have a chance to see you as my analyst?
It will finally enable me to end the farce between myself and Mr. Xxx. What a fucking idiot seeing him has made me. I don’t mean I am dumb and I don’t mean he is stupid. He has this insecure need to intellectualize everything or to feel a need to be in a competition with everyone so that he appears he is the smartest one the room. He does it in private sessions and you can see how be comes across in group. He’s such a connoisseur of the arts, like he is the only one that has ever had an artistic experience. Let him get started talking about writers, it’s like he is the only one who has ever read a book. The world outside his world, including myself, have been exposed to and sought out an education in the liberal arts whether through college courses and/or through what are called life experiences. Sometimes the latter is often more effective because there, you are the one seeking, wanting and choosing what you are studying on a continual basis, with subjects you are keenly interested. I do go on about his bull shit.
I have to thank you. It was incredible, your invitation to meet with you after group tonight. That was a surprise. And my excitement to hear your news. You told me I was the first person you told outside of your co-workers. That surprised me and made me feel so honoured. I know for a long while I have had these secret thoughts that I wished I could share with you. How much I wished I could have talked to you about you becoming my analyst. It never felt like the right time. It didn’t feel appropriate for me to approach you unless I knew you felt the same. A real Catch-22 situation. That would have been the only way to find out how you felt by talking to you. We always seem to forget what we ourselves need when trying to not hurt the feelings of others. That it was an alright subject for me to bring up with you in direct conversation. I didn’t know before we talked today where either of our loyalties should have been directed. I know now that we need to take care of ourselves first. Not being selfish but being protective.
You are being supervised by him, Mr. Xxx. It would only seem logical that you would defer to him. What I wanted seemed only secondary. Now I know that isn’t as I expected it to be. You actually like me. My feelings haven’t been fantasies. That you have considered asking me if I wanted to see you professionally. You knew my mind. It has been so obvious, the animosity between myself and Mr. Xxx. A thoroughly unhealthy relationship that has been deteriorating for years. My nerves have just been too paralyzed to move on any active pursuit of change. It is nearing that time now. The courage and a sense of security is all I need to find in order to radically change my life.
Starting a new therapy relationship means to radically end a pre-existing disaster of one that has been dead and in need of terminating since practically it’s inception. I need the nerve and the circumstances to bring forth my killer instinct to cleanly put that psychologically sick situation to rest. It has to be done quickly and cleanly. The least amount of blood shed the healthier. I cannot take care of him. I’ve done that for too many years. Trying not to confront him when I should have.
Talking to that friend I mentioned who crucifies him whenever we talk. I am never certain how accurate my perceptions are unless I get feedback from someone else, I feel I should be able to trust them to tell me the truth and not their distorted perceptions of a distortion of what I see. I cannot trust anything that I thought I was learning from this witness. It was their agenda I was being given, not the truth of my situation or a truth about this person. So all that I know is nothing I can depend on believing. It was all inaccurate information based on pure prejudice.
Now, I know I feel a stronger connection with you after out talk today. The next step depends on what transpires over the next several weeks. I still need to figure out what to do. How to do it. What to say. Try to talk things out to try to salvage anything that still remains. Not to sure there is anything left. I need to know somehow that you will be there to help me help when there is s transition to be made. I am trusting you to be supportive. But I know I must wait until all is set. It’s expected there will be a major blow up with Mr. Xxx. He’s never exactly got me or what I’ve needed. Now, he has an even lesser reason to try to understand. I think he is going to challenge me on everything I say, no matter what it is about or who it is about. He feels right about everything and that I am continuously wrong on any and every subject or person I want to talk about. That is the first thing I’ve got to confront him on. I am right about what I say. He needs to back off.
I will not tell him anything about you or what we have talked about. That I will leave to your discretion. When you feel the time is right, then you decide what you want to say and how much you want him to know. He is not going to hear anything from me.
I think that is all I want to write to you about at the moment. Thank you for trusting me with you confidence. It is our secret. The only thing I am going to do is wait and when the blow up comes. It will come soon, I feel. I will be ready to walk out and never look behind me. That will be the day it will all be over. So, I say that is all for now.
Until next time.
Somewhere In Time – John Barry
By Madison Taylor
Dec. 7th, 2007
I am here
This is my life
It has been a strange one
A painful one
Filled with unfallen tears
Empty people with empty feelings
Invading my world
Always wanting something from me
Things that no one would want to give
I stand back
Look at my past
I try not to repeat the mistakes
My boundaries try to keep the users out
But some invade
Others are chosen carefully
All I ask for is to love
To give love
Learn to accept love
The latter is the harder of the two
Someone to “get me”
Understanding is important
Which ever direction it travels
Sexual touch is not that important
When offered from another
Tender touch that come with hugs
Those I love and accept
But there must be love
There must be respect
Nothing less will do
Who am I?
A woman who wants to care
To love and be loved
Someone who needs to create
When the muse calls
That means when ever I am awake
I need my dreams
My friends who mean it
And a good Psychoanalyst
To keep my life on track
There may be more
But that is it for now
© madison taylor 2007
Le Chateau de Rocher
QUOTATIONS from: Private Writings
The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor
“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”
“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist
“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poe
QUOTATIONS on IDENTITY
“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind
“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” ― Oscar Wilde
“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
“Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.” ― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
“We know what we are, but not what we may be.” ― William Shakespeare
“Perhaps it’s impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.” ― Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game
“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre