Room Alone At Night

Room Alone At Night
Poem Written by Jennifer Kiley
Written 03.01.13
Edited 03.02.13
Digital Abstract & collage by j. kiley
Created 03.01.13
Posted 03.02.13

wave transformation by j. kiley

room alone at night

shotting stars reflect on water by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley

Philip Glass — Morning Passages

“I’m doing this so that people who feel their lives are over, or they don’t know how to have an intimate relationship, that they can find a way back again into living.”

“The idea is to rescue myself from the role of a victim. That I have a choice left. Though I can’t change what has happened, I can choose how to react. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being afraid of intimacy and afraid to cry and rage for what was stolen from me. I will not be silent. I will tell my story out loud and share it with others who also need to heal.”

“People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows rape and child abuse and sexual abuse and how it’s the greatest breakage in divine law that has been done. The trust that is broken. Being used and threatened with harm and death of yourself and those you love.”

“You decide whether you look at your reality or live pretending these feelings don’t exist. They do exist. You feel ashamed that you think you let your abusers do this to you, like you had any choice in being sexual, emotionally, physically and psychologically abused. There was no choice. The abusers stole your power away from you.”

“You have to crawl into the wounds to discover what your fears are. You have to gently rip open the wounds that have been infected for years. They need to bleed in order to allow the cleansing to begin. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin. Then the healing can start to happen.”

“I think you have to know who you are, get to know the monster that lives in your soul, dive deep into your soul and explore it. Their are voices of an angel and a demon sitting on your shoulders and they each tell you what you should do. Listen carefully and then tell the demon to go fuck the hell off and stop filling your mind with lies. You can trust certain people who care. Let them in when it feels right to you. If they prove themselves then keep listening to the voice of the angel telling you that the demon is lying to you. The person or persons you trust are not pretending or abandoning you. They care and they love you and are there for you. Just keep remembering that when the doubt sets in. For it will try to betray your mind into thinking upside down. You have to fight the lies and remember the truth.”

“I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can’t have the dream without the nightmare. The nightmare is real. The abuse did happen. It will be inside of you but you don’t have to let it control you. You will need to do a great deal of work to heal from the nightmare but the dream is there for you to believe in and build on. You do have people who care and there are people who will help you to heal. Just let them in and they will be there for you. Let them be.”

“I think that the nightmares are telling me things about myself that I need to know. And I try to understand what they mean, so I can get to know something more about my soul. Listen to what your heart and body and soul are saying. Let go of the evil that was done to you. Those who were evil and abused you are gone now. They may haunt you but you have the power within to fight them. Don’t let them in. Push them away. Feel your own power and the power of those around you who are good and who support you in your healing. Feel their love and strength and your own love and strength that you give to yourself. It is okay to feel the love from within yourself and from those who are giving you love. It is okay to accept their love and to feel your own. And it is okay to love those people who love you and care about you and want to see you heal.”

“Anger is healthy, but out of balance if it doesn’t have compassion. Feeling your emotions are okay but to rage at those who love you needs to be brought under control. Emotions are just that emotions. Feelings are a way to express what emotions are coming up from inside of you. Working with a psychotherapist will help you to understand how you can learn to express what your emotions are and how to feel your feelings. It is okay to feel love again. It will help you to heal. Those special people who tell you and remind you all the time that they love you and care for you. Believe them. They are speaking the truth. You can see the evidence all the time in what and how they show they care and love you. And it is okay to love them back and to care for them. They are not going to be anything like the abusers. They are not going try to hurt you. They are not going to try to abandon you. They are not going to make you do anything against your will. You are safe with them. Keep this in your mind and remind yourself all the time that they love you and you can love them. There is nothing wrong with loving someone you care about. It is good to feel love and to tell someone you care and that you love them also.”

“I am finding that vulnerability gives me great strength, because you’re not hiding anymore. It is difficult to be vulnerable but it is okay. It helps you to build close relationships with those people who have shown you that you can trust them. Don’t be afraid to open up your thoughts and feeling to them no matter how scary it may feel. It is safe to trust them with whatever you are going through inside. They will be honest in return. You need to claim your life back that was stolen from you. Intimacy is a very important part in feeling and sharing love and to building a relationship with friends you feel close to and want to feel close to or closer to.”

Just some thoughts and feelings… by jk the secret keeper