What Were You Playing At

What Were You Playing At
By Jennifer Kiley

look that draws out fear

What were you playing at
By Jennifer Kiley

What were you at
When you came at me
Like that
Your teeth were
Looking for blood
You yanked my hair back
To torture me
You tried to take
All my safety
Away from me
I felt inside
That I should just run
Being with you
Had lost all its fun
There was no laughing
Just blanket threats
If I don’t do it your way
I might as well forget
You’d walk away
Without a thought
Leaving me to die
To bleed to death
How cruel were you
Did you want to be
Was I just a project
Now you were
Through with me
When I used
The word threatened
That word came from you
You backtracked
And denied it
You wouldn’t admit
It was true
I know now
When I’m deluded
And I wasn’t then
So why don’t
You stop lying
And admit the truth
You just wanted
To dump your shit on me
To make you feel good
I don’t take that
Kind of shit anymore
So take it away from me
Or out that door I’m sure to me

I’m not being paranoid
That’s something I know about
So don’t play games with my mind
Is this really about time
You say you’re just tired
Too much to do
That’s not my problem
To take care of you
I need someone who knows me
Who won’t try to hurt me
But who wants to heal me
I work at it day and night
Trying to get it right
I don’t need someone
To say differently
Taking credit away from me
For what I do
You lay guilt on me
That I’m not trying
To do the work for you
When you know the truth of it
That I am exhausted now
Don’t lay that shit on me
When it should be your work to be
Responsible for guiding me
In directions we need to head
We need to do this
Before you find me dead
From lack of necessity
By stealing my therapy from me
That’s so irresponsible of you
To say what you were going to do
Making me feel I did something wrong
When all I am doing is
Trying to make myself be strong
Back up away from me
I need someone who can do therapy
Who knows what I need right now
Is someone to keep me alive somehow
To keep me away from taking pills
Or slitting my wrists to kill
The demons inside of me
To chase them out of me
To help get my soul set free
That’s all that I want right now
Is to find some semblance of peace some how
If you can’t do that for me
Then I need to work separately
From you if you don’t understand
You better not threaten me again
With telling me you will leave me
Because I am not you friend
I’m just too nice this has got to end

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

being free with sounds of colour

pink floyd-sorrow

5 thoughts on “What Were You Playing At

  1. Sadly this can happen when you deliver yourself into someone elses hands. No one knows what you need except you! Take back your power! Victimhood is not for you! You are better than the victim you think you are. Therapy cannot keep you alive if you want to die.


    • I don’t feel like I am a victim. It’s trust that finds a way to betray me. When I am hurt and wounded I do not show that I I am vulnerable. To me that is dangerous. My barriers were coming down with M but then slammed shut after I realized there were no people I felt I could trust with the pain I was feeling. I retreated. Now there are a few people I am slowly letting in. There is a great deal of caution inside of me. I am like the panther, you may approach me and possibly win my trust, but no one will ever tame me. Too much hurt. My mind betrays me. I cannot even trust myself. Only my depressed self in an extremely low place wants to die. To be exact, it seems the only solution. But we are too strong to allow that to happen. We let the feelings pass through us but not to control us to the point of extinction. Now our present therapist has lost a great deal of ground which I am not sure can be regained. A professional psychotherapist does not use the client’s most vulnerable part of their insecurities and threaten them with it by saying they will take away what they need most. Knowing it would threaten their stability and cause a great deal of harm and pain inside of them. How does one come back from that? I don’t think one can. I do want to take back my power. Allowing someone to abuse me emotionally and psychologically is too reminiscent of my childhood. It just lacks the physical abuse and torture. An extreme reaction? No, not when it is compounded with a multiple list of other transgressions. I will have to seek help from my doc to see if she can help me find someone that I can trust. I need some guidance to make the most rational and best decision for me now. J.K.


  2. Ok, thank you for this explanation. Am trying to understand where you are coming from. And yet I see you putting your life in other peoples hands, constantly looking for someone to help you. This is such a set up for perpetual disappointment i.m.o. I hear and feel so much power in you, such intelligence and a deep ability to feel and express. Isn’t it time you start to trust yourself and trust you know what you need?


    • I would but i have this one flaw that i feel i need to have a therapist. it comes with my abandonment issues. if i have a therapist then i won’t feel like i am lost in the universe alone. i realize i am not alone. for me having a therapist is for some like having a priest or a shaman. needing guidance from outside of ones self cannot come from depending on friends or family. that is too large a burden to aske of friends and family. i have a need to feel connected to a therapist. i have developed that need. what if i didn’t? i wrote sa poem last night that i haven’t reread yet. but it goes into just that question about whether i can give up that element and still feel connected. i have so many issues i need to deal with on a deeper level than what one can discuss with a friend or with shawn. it would make me feel too insecure knowing that i do not have that person, psychotherapist, out there if I need them. Does that make sense to you? i feel like a lone star without that connection. i need to work this out and decide what is best for me. would like your comment if you have any on this subject. J.K.


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