The Cycle – a poem

First the name of your blogging site started out intriguing me “Bipolar as a Characteristic not an identity” and your poem is quite good and creates an image too familiar to me and the cycle never stops. My s/o and I were just talking about that. I start the night writing and go into a high and ride the roller coaster up into the sky and as the new day begins I come crashing down again. only today, is one of those days that I am up and not going to bed so i will probably crash sometime today but not before putting in a call to my therapist, who i found out is not available for another hour. So I am looking for something to connect to and I found this site and poem and it has drawn my attention away from feeling how depressed i was getting and how i am slipping down into a rather deep depression with a side of the beginnings of a possible freak out. I don’t want to let go or lose it. I don’t usually lose it if I can stop that from happening. Read the poem and hear what goes on inside of a bipolar’s head at any given time. Holding onto meaning and feeling nothingness are on the same team causing conflict and confusion where ever they go. Staying at the high point only lasts just so long. I tried to keep it up but it is the other side’s turn to rule. I only can be who I am and that constantly changes without asking me if I want it to. Not saying I don’t have control, I am saying there is no such thing as control when it comes to bipolar. I’d be a fool to believe otherwise. It is all a delusion to think so highly of ones ability. J.K. the secret keeper

Fighting the Demons

Fighting the demons
By jennifer kiley

abstract layers of consciousness

Fighting the demons
Blasting my mind
Get out I shout
my head is mine
Stop making me blind
I yell in rage
lose my temper
gets so loud
noise drives me insane
that’s the last thing
I want to go wrong
But I’m going gone
exploding inside
I just need to
Let it out
So leave me alone
I want to be
On my own
Let me work it out
Don’t make me shout
Just get out

Words that
move me
times you
behoove me
write words
that groove me
say them
make them
never forsake them
they are broken
don’t smoke them
move me
pray for me
my death for me
maybe then
I’ll find meaning

maybe I make
too much of you
Time to back off
what I expect from you
What our feelings mean
our friendship
it is meant to be
I retreat easily
from the chance
of pain
in my brain
the surface
there’s pain
too familiar
too close to me
to hold it in
safer to retreat
be hurt
don’t miss a beat
intention involved
I must retreat

Triggers defective
Defenses protected
Quickly get away
From me
I’m way
to dangerous
any intentions
aren’t meant
to hurt you
there just there
to alert you
be careful
of me
you need time
stay away

wanting you
to stay
I see
When you’re away
Than what is real
When you stay
So are you there
Do I stare
Are you
Really there
I’ve just
Or am I
Please stop staring
My head’s
Still there
It hasn’t
Not yet
The demons
Aren’t in
control yet
Nothing has
Been set
So our best bet
Is just to go on
As if they
Were never
Not here
We’re at
this time
it’s clear

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

Whitney Houston-Queen of the Night