At Home With Self

At Home With Self
by Jennifer Kiley
9.27.12

Blue Abstract

At Home with Self

The Ritual

Yesterday, Sept. 26th was someone special’s birthday. We were close for just over 4 years and one day she disappeared from my life. Not because of anything that I did but due to circumstances beyond my control and of necessity for her. I started writing a memoir of our time together. A study, in effect, to record what was our relationship and what were the results of going through the loss of someone that meant such a great deal to me. I am going to engage in a ritual which will help to release this woman from my life as our relationship once was and how I reacted to her leaving.

This may not be easy but let us begin:

Today

I am letting go of the woman who was once my anchor.

I am letting go of the woman who was not herself with me.

I am letting go of the woman in me who was not courageous enough to be able to let her go.

I am letting go of the woman in me who was ruled by fear.

I am letting go of the woman who searched for validation from without from the woman I knew then and I am going to let that woman go.

I am letting go of the woman who thought she had nothing, when she always had everything.

I am letting go of the woman who looked to others to tell her what should move her.

I am letting go of the woman who looked to others to tell her that what moved her was real.

I am letting go of the woman who thought she could never get back to being thin again.

I am letting go of the woman who let her thoughts and her emotions rule over her life

I am letting go of the woman who was not confident enough to believe in herself as a writer and to be confident enough to tell other people that she was a writer.

I am letting go of that woman who didn’t have confidence in herself.

I am letting go of the woman who didn’t believe she was attractive enough for other people to see that in her.

I am letting go of the woman who could live her life without other people giving her support.

I am letting go of the person who was too proud to reach out for help when she needed help and support whenever she felt like she was falling apart.

I am letting go of the person who was so preoccupied with the past that she couldn’t see her present abundance.

I am letting go of the person who was so obsessed with creating a perfect future.

I am letting go of the woman who was reluctant to be a teacher, a mentor, a guide, and a leader, a woman who would have given anything NOT to be a spiritual warrior.

I am letting go of the woman who didn’t trust herself, didn’t believe in herself, and didn’t have the courage to follow her dreams full force, even though everyone else thought she was good at what she was doing.

I acknowledge that self and give her permission to let go and grow toward her future.

She was vital to me because she helped me survive, and she made me the woman I am today
But her ghost limits me and haunts me. She must be allowed to rest so that I can be at peace.

Today, I let go of all the old behaviors that limited me. Those old behaviors that had me always punishing myself and never celebrating myself.

Today, I let go of the thoughts that stopped me. The thoughts that said nothing I did ever worked. The thoughts that said nothing was ever going to improve. The thoughts that said dark times last indefinitely and will not just going to go away.

Today, I let go of the doubts and become the someone I clearly am.

Today, I let go of everything that is clearly toxic, and unhealthy.

Today, I let go of all those thoughts that were clearly untrue.

Today, I become the spiritual warrior as I was always meant to be.

I head now into truth, love and light, and I vow to always be available to those who need me.

Today Jennifer rises.

And, hopefully, today, all will rise with her.
With Love,
Jennifer

This was today’s letting go ritual.

If who you were keeps haunting you, then maybe it is time to let her go. Perform the ritual. State clearly that, today, you let go of past behaviors. Say all of this out loud to yourself and imagine who you were being allowed to let go as you do this.

Once you have let go, allow the new you to finally rise.


Abstraction In Colour

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE&w=670&h=407]
Philip Phillips-Home
An American Idol Winner

This was modeled/modified after the post at this link: http://ollinmorales.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/burying-your-past-self/?blogsub=confirmed#blog_subscription-3

Now whether this will be effective, it is a good set of mantras to listen to that might help deal with the other influences inside my mind who do not listen to anything I have to say.
~the secret keeper~

7 thoughts on “At Home With Self

  1. “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
    ~ Apple Inc. ~

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  2. What a wonderful liberating letting go ritual! I am hoping that in this process you are reclaiming your own strength, wisdom, courage, insight and friendship with yourself. Thank you for sharing this. I’ve learned from it and it’s time for some letting go for me too. People come and go, they are free to do what they need to do. Sometimes that is hard to accept but ultimately it’s also a lesson or even a gift when they move on: to not abandon ourselves and Be At Home With Self!

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    • I wrote the best response to you but decided when I was finished that I wanted to turn it into a poem or an autobiographical post. You are right, this poem as ritual is a way of reclaiming all the strong parts of your being. It has motivated me. I feel so different since I wrote this and actually a change had already started by the time I wrote this. I hope that it works for me and for you and any one who feels that it moves them toward self reclamation. I am so happy you like this. And you are right it is time to let go of what is keeping me from being who I am inside. I have been doing this for some time. I would say that has been an ongoing process that I started the day I was born and then entered therapy and engaged myself with the real world. but of course, not giving up my imagination. never will i do that. Being myself is a trip, Last night, i seriously thought i was heading for trouble inside my mind but it went away and tried to get back in through a migraine but i followed the righteous path to my self. not god or anything but what i felt inside of me. Strong self vs weak self and strong self won. all is feeling right. i know that this could be an illusion but i am going with it and hope it lasts for awhile until i understand what it is that is happening. Good luck on this trip yourself. There is something magical mystical in writing the words of this ritual for yourself. Use the outline that I wrote but use your own words and ideas and thoughts and discard the rest. Let me know how it feels for you. J.K.

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  3. Good for you, Jennifer. It is in tears shed in sorrow that we flush clean our innards and are born anew. Crying is nature’s inner cleansing process. It is cathartic. It is important to cry her out of your system. All the accompanying emotions such as sorrow, loss, yearning, frustration, anger will be let go of, also.

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    • This has become a mantra. It is hopefully going to help me along the way to releasing the past and all the pain that has damaged me. That includes helping the tears being released. I am not there in my freedom of expression but on the precipice hoping that danger will be exorcised and all will be renewed. For now in the present, I would like to help gain strength in allowing me to be myself and expressing who I am without or with the minimal amount of fear. Do not expect miracles but wouldn’t mind if they happened. J.K. PS. Thank you for your wisdom and your words of encouragement and support. I am reaching out to free my emotions and to let the tears have their freedom.

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