nightmare in my head

nightmare in my head
by jennifer kiley
9.21.12

this is part of a poem that i wrote while i was in the depths of the darkness of bipolar. it is a frightening place to see someone in but i wasn’t afraid. i was feeling multiple layers of feeling from depression to anger and rage to wanting to commit suicide. but none of this made me feel fear. it was more a feeling of surrender and letting go of the hold that life held on me to keep me here. it didn’t matter if i stayed alive when i was in this state. life didn’t hold the power over me like death drawing me into it. i am in such pain when i am in this state that it seems the only relief is to die. there does not feel in these moments like any thing else will end the intense feelings of torment. the pain is so intense and overpowering. it feels like my soul is bleeding to death. there is no light, only darkness. there is no reason, only confusion and doubt. everything that is real, i doubt its existence. it is difficult to believe in reality when you have no idea what is real. the remainder of this poem i choose to keep to myself. i know in the place i am in that what was written is false. a delusion from a mind filled with confusion. i am in a relatively even state of mind at the moment. which is surprising. my new computer just crashed and burned its second hard drive which was only installed two weeks ago. i may lose all my files, writing, photographs, articles, poems, letters but i am hoping that they can be rescued. i have no idea why i am reacting in such a calm state but i feel relaxed. and i am not under the influence of any mind altering substances. haven’t done those things for years. lets hope tomorrow i will feel the same. just breath in and out and hope for the best.

bipolar flowers by astrania

nightmare in my head
by jennifer kiley
9.21.12

a nightmare in my head
passed down from ancestors
to now
a feeling of giving up
it is hopeless
no one can know me
i am lost in my own mind
impossible to find me
i may never escape again

every part inside of me
is screaming
but the sound comes out silent
no one knows what i feel
only someone else who knows
the darkness of bipolar

i’m flying then crashing
and smashing through windows
of pain
invisible but real

ever wonder how something
can be real
the eye
has no ability to see
it’s the kind of darkness
where everything is so black
no light can filter in

a bedroom at night
no night light
no moon
just darkness
no reflection for shadows
peter pan would even
fear this place so filled with fear

shaking the feeling
of aloneness
with no prospects
of another soul visiting
spirits are drawn to light
darkness is not a place
they visit
it is avoided
like an incurable disease

when something is unpredictable
it is rejected out of fear
surprises make people flee
order is so much more
controllable
but how boring
a blessing is it
to have sameness all the time

flirting with death
it makes death feel powerless
and makes you strong
if you resist the overwhelming
sensation to win at death’s game
this time you beat death
it’s really only temporary

what is there really to live for
i say we stick around
for the kids
don’t you mean animals
but they are the kids
they would love someone else
a good person can take over
my life is almost gone now
it is almost time to go
nothing means any thing any more

i am losing myself again
if you are lost
how do you get found?
just take me to my animals
that have gone before me
i want them now
they loved me
unconditionally
i loved them and miss them too
i want to go home with you
my sweet sprout
i’d rather be with you

all is lost
all is gone
i do not want to be here
any more

it’s way too depressing
no one really understands
they’ve all got their own lives
no need for me in theirs
i don’t fit anywhere
i’ve failed
it is over
I don’t want it
any more

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rokiD_ychLM&w=670&h=407]
jimi hendrix-all along the watch towers

3 thoughts on “nightmare in my head

  1. “Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.” ~ Kay Redfield Jamison ~ An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

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    • wow that is a good question. i would like someone to really understand and not want me to be perfect when they know i can’t be and to not go away or pull away. the bipolar is getting worse but i am hopeful it will get better. but not knowing i cannot make a gurantee on that, that is very difficult. i don’t want to lose anyone because of how the bipolar makes me behave. that i would say is what is most important to me. you are very insightful tahir. thank you for that thoughtful request and noticing what depth the bipolar can take you. i am sure your son felt very similar feelings and i am sorry that they overcame him in the end. love, jennifer

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