Traces of Time

Traces of Time
by Jennifer Kiley
the secret keeper
9.22.12

Almond Branch-Vincent van Gogh

Traces of Time
By Jennifer Kiley
9.22.12

You sat across from me
I sat on the floor
You passed the joint
I took a hit
Another glass of wine
One or two wasn’t enough
Getting high was the intention
Where this was all leading
Nothing real was pressing

There was a desire
Passing between us
But we were both girls
College students with desires
Intense desires, longings
I touched your feet
Caressing your flesh
You tried the same
Your fingers lightly tickling
The flesh of my toes
Could fire feel as hot
My body warmed to your touch
No one ever made me
Feel that way
That blending of water
Meeting one stream
Into a river flows

The blood, my body boiled
A woman was drawing out
An intense union of flesh
But it was only fingers
Touching skin of feet
Breathing became shallow
Insides were melting
Was she feeling the same
From my touch so gentle
My hands on her flesh

That was months ago
Now we were high
Getting higher as the evening
Passed into endless time
Not knowing what faced us
Thinking out loud
She uttered the words
“I wish there were a man.”
Why, I thought
We don’t need a man
We are more than enough

What have we been feeling
Waiting for what
To make something
Happen between us
Avoiding the intensity of feelings
Pretending nothing was there
No intense flames
Burning our hearts
Not a thing
The volcano nearly ready
The lava ready to burst through
To cover the mountain side

It was necessary to get higher
Than the farthest star
In the moon lit sky
So romantic
So much desire
So much pretending
Why can’t either of us
Face the truth of who
We are and need to be
My mind wishing her
To sit down next to me

I’d never done this before
Except with a man
But then I felt nothing
Just knew I was suppose
To want to do what they
Wanted to do
And then get on home
Just to be alone again
Away from the demands
Of societies rules
That you be with a man
When it was the last
Thing for you
Or what you wanted
To ever do never again

The night I relost
My virginity
But not with a man
Instead with a woman
The woman at that time
I felt I would love
For the rest of time
Or at least until
College came to an end
Then our lives
Would find directions

Did it mean
I was a lesbian
A woman touched me
And I touched her
It was hard after that
To keep our hands away
All we wanted was
To touch all day
Anyplace anywhere
In public or not
We just didn’t care
We just couldn’t
Get enough
Of what we had
Denied ourselves
All of our lives

It didn’t take long though
And she was gone
To another college
And I stayed with mine
Being a lesbian alone
Wasn’t easy
The doubts set in
Then I was back to men
Making sure
The choice I had made
Was in fact the truth
But a man touching me
Just reminded me
Too much of the touches
I never ever wanted

From the beginning
There was never anything there
My body felt nothing
When they would touch me
I just wanted them to stop
I just wanted to go home
And be alone and get stoned
So I could forget what was
And drift into my fantasies
Of what could be
All the possibilities

Now that she was gone
And I didn’t know who I was
I started drifting away
Losing myself
More and more
Each day
I found myself
Reliving the first night
We made love

I lost myself
When I lost
What I thought
Was something
That made me feel
More like me
Without her
I started fading away

More and more
I didn’t want to live
Any longer
That’s what I felt like
That’s the only thing
I could think of
That I just wanted
To leave this world
Permanently
To stop the pain
Of loss
Of something
I didn’t know existed
Until a woman loved me
Until she left me alone again

I sat on the floor
Under a hot shower
Water pounding down upon me
I let it go on like that
Forever and ever
It was the only thing
I could feel
I just wanted to be drowned
By the water
Beating down upon my head

Quietly I sat upon the floor
The living room empty
Music playing softly
I was so sad
And didn’t know
What to do
Then there came a call
The ring startled me alert
I picked up the receiver
I said, “Hello.”
It was a woman
A friend I knew
From a group
We went to

We talked and talked
I told her how I felt
She convinced me
Everything would be okay
But that I shouldn’t be alone
My life needed a change
I had to get out of that place
Where once
A good memory remained

But now it felt like death
Was waiting
Just to take my hand
To lead me away
From all that I had known

When I actually had a future
That just hadn’t happened yet
I believed her
I put my things together
And left behind
A life that left me alone
Into a world
That held a future
I had before me

So I walked away
Closed the door
Into the next
Phase of life
Wanting it to
just begin

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-6cVWJSRQU&w=670&h=407]
Traces of Truth-Rodrigo Rodriguez

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