nothingness and being

nothingness and being
by the secret keeper

Fantasy Exploding In My Head

surrealism was a literary and art movement inspired by Freudianism,
Andre Breton founded it is Paris in 1924

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVyggTKDcOE&w=670&h=407]
goodbye my love-james blunt

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s&w=670&h=407]
broken-lifehouse

there is nothing
by jennifer kiley
9.8.12 @4:57am

there is nothing there
her page is empty
nothing familiar
she’s in disguise
she broke my heart
in not heeding the warning
i feel it breaking again
nothing there to hold onto

she gave so much
all could not have been an act
her performance with warmth
how convincing it was
but i see no future
in what would join us
no connections binds us
not even a friendship

if even i wanted
to reach out to her
it would make
no difference
decision is hers
if a thing does occur
what happens between us
give us love or for tea

if i reached out my hand
in return got rejection
would that set me up
for another detour
my emotions abused
back when she left me then
i really don’t think
i’d recover this time again

is the choice walk away
as my real friend insists
if she doesn’t want me
it will hurt more then this
for the person i seek
did she ever exist
maybe only my fantasies
my poems and scripts

do i write her stage left
in a story or play
work out the emotions
then get on with my day
cruelty is her way
to reject when she leaves
should i then not trust her
nothing there to believe

is she there in my mind
but not in my heart
are my passions all faulty
did she really depart
is it my imagination
she only lives in
should i just say goodbye
before trying hello

is it over was it over
and there is nothing at all
will i walk away solo
when the time finally comes
will i hear what my friend says
who advises i’m wrong
don’t trust her let go
walk away she is gone

does it hurt to let go
the fantasies inside
use it to feed
my muses appetite
let her write
future endeavors
feed off her remains
if i can find
what she left behind

i bid my farewell
once now and forever
let her love her whole life
not knowing me ever
it’s her loss she’ll never
get to know who i am
but maybe that’s better
then knowing the end

Releasing the Freudian Connection

Guardian Angels Watching Over

Questioning Letting Go of the Past
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi8hlTCWnmQ&w=670&h=407]
As If We Never Said Goodbye-Betty Buckley(Sunset Boulevard)

Spiritual Dove-Symbolic of Freedom and Release

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-3vPxKdj6o&w=670&h=407]
breakaway-kelly clarkson

3 thoughts on “nothingness and being

  1. “Of all that is written I love only what a man has written with his blood. Write with blood, and you will experience that blood is spirit…True, we love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness…” ~Friedrich Nietzsche~

    Like

  2. It is very sad, I know. It is always hard to feel the sadness of loss. Loss exists. That is real. She has defined her terms, your lost friend. Do not think badly of her, She gave everything she could. There is no more. She could not fulfill your need. That is all. Don’t think badly of her. Let her go with sweetness. Hold the memory of what she gave you in your heart. But you cannot have more. Love knows how and when to let go. Don’t let what she gave you become tinged with bitterness. Release her in a flood of cathartic tears.

    Like

    • I want more from her and knowing that is not possible it is less painful to feel the angry side of the parting rather then the sadness that is way to painful to get inside of. i loved her deeply. From the first moment I met her, there was something there. I was drawn to her long before she became an intimate part of my life. I was never meant to have her in my life for long and when I began to feel that she was going to leave me, she denied it. reassuring me that what i was feeling was not true. she didn’t realize her future but i felt it strongly inside of me. A month later she was gone. I never told her that “i loved her” until the last moments that we last saw each other. i need now to be honest with how i feel and stop being angry with losing her. it is so extremely painful to lose someone when you have such strong feeling for them. it feels like your heart is being torn out. i don’t want to think badly of her. when she left i felt i had to hide what i was feeling. it didn’t seem that anyone really wanted to hear what i was feeling. i withdrew into seclusion. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. when i finally returned i was in a manic state and was high and speeding and my mind just would not let me settle down so that i could feel anything. then when it finally became a reality to me, my heart metaphorically was cut out. i went into the deepest depression and suicidal state that all i wanted to do was to die. underneath the depression was pure rage caged inside a locked trunk. we were silent and could talk to no one, esp. not our new therapist. we spent an entire session without saying one word. when i left i didn’t think i would return but i did. i think i try to feel what i think everyone else expects me to feel. it’s like i feel it would give them a certain satisfaction if i said negative things about her or that i felt nothing for her. when i know deep inside of me i am in love with her. my screenplay is a tribute to that love. but in the end i have to punish myself and once again deny myself a happy ending. it is more than an ironic twist that the screenplay closes where it does. i have tried to find my tears since i was a teenager in therapy for the first time. one of my first goals besides talking about why i was there was to have my therapist help me to cry again. i wanted to be able to cry. and that has never happened ever in therapy. not in one session have i been able to cry. besides knowing my mother put a curse on me and stold away my tears, there are so many feelings held hostage inside of me that need to come out. if i could only find a way to release what is blocking those tears. the rest i will tell you privately right now. i don’t feel nothing. if i am honest i feel confused and i want to at least see her. to see how either of us reacts, then figure out what to do from there. if it is goodbye then that will be what it is and then i will need to deal with how that makes me feel.

      Like

Leave a Comment

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s