Begin At the Beginning-End At the End-Then Stop

Begin At the Beginning
End At the End
Then Stop
by The Secret Keeper

Alice Begin At the Beginning

10.10.11 @4:16am
you hide in the shadows

you hide in the shadows
of my dreams
I breath the pain
with each breath I take
your absence must be recollected
in times of weakness
if I could force it
with a song that tells our story

a dream of clouds
do I see your image
accepting me into your arms
the wind blows away the fantasy
you drift away
into the corners of my mind
guarded by the gatekeeper
keeping you away
warning of the danger
of your essence

this hurts because you deserted me
did you even think you could
cause such intense pain
in someone who loves you
who you professed to protect

I escape into the idea of you
the pain is too great
to live in my real life
to recover the memories
or have them forced on me
like they were when they first occurred

you were going to guard me
from the abusers
you promised
you said I could trust you
but always the trust is betrayed
and now from someone
I never would have imagined
would be like any of the others

promises made promises broken
shattered along with me
into a million pieces
my heart’s blood pours from my body
I bleed for you
I need for you
to come back to me
to wake me from this nightmare
and say you made a mistake

but now I do not want to lose
the new people in my life
who are helping me to heal
from you and from other pains
I need to recover from you
who would have written those words
a year ago today – never
you were still here
ever present in my life
sharing my thoughts
helping me through each day
beyond each depression
each suicidal thought
without even knowing
I was manic depressive
and what I was feeling
were so natural to that state
my mind pulling me to highs
of unspeakable speeds of thoughts
and down into the depths of darkness

meditation helped calm me
but the suicide inside me
wanted out and you didn’t know why
so you could not tell me
maybe you thought it was my way
of needing you and my demand of you
rather than a state of mind
beyond my control
you didn’t help me with this at all

going out was more important to you
not what I was suffering from inside
you blackmailed me using my need for you
if I wanted to see you more
I had to go into the cruel world
I hated so much and feared so much
you tortured me to levels of stress
that were making me sick

no one could see what their eyes beheld
my love for you was destroying me
and you couldn’t see I was in trouble
you were afraid I loved you too deeply
and feared there was something sexual
in all that I felt but there was not
it was as pure as spiritual love could be
in my confusion I fell into your confusion
and tormented myself with your thoughts
and we both lost the love
that could have been forever

Thursday: 11.3.11 @4:13pm
I stop somewhere waiting for you

I stop somewhere waiting for you
will you ever come?
you left me with one moments warning
and then you were gone

I sit under a tree meditating
the thoughts running lose in my mind
images of you
thoughts of you
feelings for you
you tore open my heart
the blood is everywhere
it’s impossible to clean up
it is always visible in my mind

I arrive at my safe place
and you are there
counting the numbers
for me to return to normal
the space that is now
returning from the space that was then

leaving seems to be too easy for you
running away – was that your escape plan
not thinking you were hurting anyone
but actually chaos and destruction
was left in your wake
not meaning to be cruel
but succeeding at it anyway

what did you expect me to do after you left
continue uninterrupted by the pain you left inside my soul
your kindness was cowardice in your disguise
what you did is torturing me
you had no clue that your exit would be so devastating
you abandoned me abruptly thinking what
that it would be good for me
rather than prolonging your exit to give us more time together
so we could sort out what was happening between us
instead you couldn’t even find it in your heart
to give me that extra time that you had promised me

I love you – I told you that
didn’t it mean anything to hear me say that out loud
I’d never said it before
it took so much courage to speak those words to you
I hoped that you could feel them and know what I meant
that you were important to me
you aren’t going to just fade away from my heart
I will never be able to let you go
you possess my soul

I’m in love with you
which has gone beyond me
ever being able to say goodbye
you are a part of me
the deepest part of me
you entered into my life
and I can never live without you
I may never see you again
but that makes no difference to me
you will always be ingrained inside of me
I will love you forever

I just close my eyes and you will be here with me
when I place my hands on my shoulders
I feel your arms enclose my body
I feel comfort wrapped in your arms

before you were gone I felt like taking my own life
at least three times a week or sometimes more often
my manic state cannot even stop those urges
now I am depressed – it seems like all the time
unless I distract myself

writing is not a distraction – it is a calling to you
music is not a distraction – you live inside the music
my world lives within the lyrics and the sound owns my soul
inspiration beyond memories of you is so difficult to reach
you are my obsession
you live in all that I dream when alone
you’re my madness alive like a virus I’ve caught
and there is no cure

it is our anniversary.
we have many
the two before us are the day you announced
to me you were leaving
and two weeks later the day that you left me
we had to say goodbye
you were leaving our life
no more vision of you for my eyes to see
no more words spoken between us
it was over
just like that
so easy for you
so devastating for me
and still so difficult to face
those two days from a year ago

one year ago…today’s the day
you told me it was over
you were walking away from me
I had to walk away from you
you meant everything in the world to me
you kept me sane and from suicide
I thought I couldn’t survive without you
I’m writing this so I am still alive
but I look for you hoping for just a glimpse
it happened once…why not again
I would love to run into you one more time
just to see how it would make me feel
to see the reaction on your face
would it be a happy occasion for us both
that is what I hope for
that’s progress
we’ve gone beyond one barrier
if only
I’d stop time for you
no more loss
no more death
just time stolen for us

I will love you forever
I stop somewhere waiting for you
I will always be waiting
will you ever come

I want to make love to you with my eyes
to feel your gentle caresses as your eyes meet mine
I want to be as close to you as two spirits can be
when they become one
to become one with you
is the impossible dream
but I will accept the fantasies
I can live on them forever
lost in the labyrinth of my love for you

Sunday: 11.14.11 @1:45am
who are you

who are you
a stranger at best
a fading memory
of someone
I faintly
remember knowing

once a strong
now a weak
for generosity
of spirit
of heart
and soul

I loved you
where those feelings
went I do not recall
you took them away
with you
the day you disappeared
leaving me behind
not just one time
but a final time

that came straight
from your heart
and pierced an arrow
into mine
killing any feelings
that remained

funny though
I still want
you back
to find some way
to resurrect
those lost
and make them
real again

wake them up
and continue on
as though the past
never ended abruptly
and you didn’t leave me
abandoning me
when I needed you most

I don’t feel that now
my emotions are buried
if they exist any longer
I want to remember
but nothing comes
to mind

except an echoing voice
played on a recording
of you guiding me
into a safe and secure

where once
I would have found you
waiting there for me
to greet me
with your smile
and your open arms

now it is as though
you never existed
and we knew each other
another place in time
will that ever
happen again
or are you lost
from me

Goodbye To Love-The Carpenters

Stairway to Heaven-Led Zeppelin

One thought on “Begin At the Beginning-End At the End-Then Stop

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