i will lay me down

i will lay me down
by jennifer kiley

jumped the 600

#4 – 2009
by jennifer kiley

that which attracts you
carries you through a euphoria
when possession is allowed freedom
the moment passes and sanity returns
and who would want a life absent of
deep connection and beauty

#5 – 2009

music holds the memories
the story from moments not forgotten
and what of us and now
always becoming the past

following the path toward understanding
guiding all who will listen
to songs of tenderness
kindness and generosity

caring for the souls
lost damaged in need
touched by the goddess
who gives the gift to heal

to the fortunate ones
who listen to the testaments
and with love
shares natures giving power

and healing begins again
and again as the path unwinds

#6 – 2009

abuse ruined sex
confused love
caused a rage
that goes unspoken

#7 – 2009

you ease the words out of me
the thought of you listening
fills me with an insecure love
afraid feelings will scare you

#12 – 2009

the lessons have been harsh
tested on the very young in us
leaving blank the knowledge
we are seeking to find

what are the answers
without the questions
too young to understand
stripped of our innocence
left with nothing
to cover our shame

awakening before growth
before joy could hold us
before celebration was part of us

our consciousness was trashed
buried nightmares remained
no capacity to understand

our realness stolen
causing visions…depression…anxiety
and breakdowns

others have tried to make us see
but all unravels again and again

you are the demon…the rapist
the soul thief
you haunt children…stalk them
watch their childhood
disappear from existence
anger lives in its place
where play should cheer

our insides with balloons
excite us to feel the fantasies
should lighten our dreams

you do not belong in our minds
leading us through the silence
keeping your secrets
like night the shadows

we hear your voice
we feel your poison
in our body
on our body

the silence must be spoken
your threats weakened
your warnings of death
to keep your secrets
you must eat them
choke on them

we are working hard
to rid us from your control
it is strong what you have done
but we have found many
who are spell breakers

we are learning to trust them
with their help we will destroy you
and the destruction you achieved

the healers give us strength
and teach us the ways to feel the love

the nightmares will diminish
the ghostly images will fade
and confidence will rule.

#11 – 2009

love touch
sex touch
confusion
recognizing either
neither is known

#6 – 2009

abuse ruined sex
confused love
caused a rage
that goes unspoken

#33 – 2009

I had a hold on my life
but it broke

these are poems i wrote three years ago. they still fit into today’s reality. there has been some growth and my creative world has been resurrected. finding a way to communicate what travels around inside, releases the demons slowly, but at least they know where they are not welcome. i am growing my life in a different way now. and the encouragement i am receiving is greatly contributing to my ability to heal. learning about love. understanding what it really is can be confusing and scary but it does feel good to know such caring and wonderful people love me. i feel like sally field’s sometimes when she accepted her oscar and she said: “you love me. you really love me.” when i am able to believe, then i can allow myself to feel the love, not just coming to me but inside of me. and i am able to pay the love forward when it is given to me. there is still confusion but i am working toward understanding and acceptance. i will keep learning and growing and giving back from the love that is given to me. i just have to remember not to be afraid of love, especially when it is coming from someone i trust. i know love because of them. jennifer kiley ~the secret keeper~

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjNgn4r6SOA&w=670&h=407]

bridge over troubled water-simon and garfunkel

4 thoughts on “i will lay me down

  1. Beautiful poems. We should never fear love, exaltation, being seen, touched, reached. All things come to pass…even love, but that should not prevent us loving love. And Bridge Over Troubled Waters is one of my favourite songs.

    Like

    • bridge over troubled waters brings back good memories of someone i was close to when i was a teenager. she really helped guide my life in the right direction. something we definitely share. it is also one of my favorite songs. thank you for reading and understanding my poems. love is important to me.and at times it does scare me. it’s more that i am afraid my feelings will make people i love go away. it’s all tangled up with losing people i love. too much confusion in my mind is created from those loses. i feel like i am dangerous to love. i feel love so strongly. the confusion comes from my not understanding the difference sometimes of what is love and what is those things i experienced with my abusers. they corrupted my ability to be able to tell what i feel. the subject that i am unable to talk about is related to what happened then and how my mind and body perceive it. i’m not able to tell the difference sometimes. i am in thte process of relearning what love is separate from what they did to confuse me and to make me think that there abuse has anything to do with love. i don’t believe it does but my mind gets short circuited and things get f@#ked up. which leads me not to understand or know what i feel or what it means. does this make sense to you? the rest of this conversation needs to be talked about or written about privately.

      Like

Leave a Comment

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s