i remember you grandma emily with love in my heart
written by the survivors
i read someone’s post just a few moments ago. the person had written a letter to her mother to express just how she felt about her. it was honest and a well deserved mother’s day card and letter. my response is as follows:
you are so right in expressing these feelings toward a mother who was horribly abusive. if my mother were still alive my letter to her, if i even wrote one, it would be filled with the same kind of sentiment. i would want to send to her a letter that would force her to face the truth about what she did to me and how it has effected my entire life.
she knew while she was alive how i felt and she showed me in her will just what she thought of that by leaving me and my siblings exactly $1.00 a piece from an over $650,000 estate. she said in her will that the lawyer sent to each of us in a certified letter with the $1.00 check enclosed: “that they each know why they are getting this.” a raving bitch to the end. she was every kind of abusive to me. you think of an abuse and she did it. do you remember the film “Sybil” with Joanne Woodward and Sally Fields and also, do you remember the film “Carrie” with Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie? Well, those two mothers combined made up my mother.
so i do understand. even the “m” word is something that i have a hard time using or saying out loud. and when she was alive, whenever i would recieve any of her weird snail mail, i would dread opening it. i would take it to my therapist’s office and have her open it. then i wasn’t even sure if i wanted to know what was in it. as i said it was always so f-ing off the wall certifiably weird. she was either trying to convert me or accusing me of making my younger brother crazy or go off on some tangent about my sexual abusers and apologize for my father. She would say he wanted my forgiveness but he didn’t understand what he had done.
now that she is dead, she isn’t gone. she haunts me in my dreams on a regular basis. i think she died maybe 5 years ago. i don’t do well with time. so, i hope you get that i am trying to give you support even though i have obviously been triggered into going off on my rant on my own letter “m.” i revised this after i decided it would become a post dedicated to my mother’s day gift to my own mother.
if i want to honor mother’s day, i would thank my grandmother emily for loving me so much and being a safe place when i was staying with her. she showed me what love was and she gave me the best hugs and taught me music and how to write. we even created a special alphabet to secretly write to each other so no one could decipher our secret messages. we talked on the phone every day after school. i love her with all my heart.
she always protected me from my mother when our family would visit her home for dinner. when it was time to leave i would throw my arms around my grandmother and lock my hands together so that when they tried to pull me away from her, i wouldn’t let go. i told her: “i didn’t want to go back to that bad place. please don’t make me.” i begged really hard and tried holding on. i was never strong enough to hold on tight enough. they always broke my grip and took me back to hell.