my psychiatrist is spying on me and i’m not paranoid

my psychiatrist is spying on me and i’m not paranoid
but if i was, and i am definitely not, paranoid
it doesn’t mean my psychiatrist is not spying on me

by jen kiley

a new addition to this post. i found out someone is spying on my posts and informed my former former therapist, the one who emotionally and psychologically used their position and their words to tortuously manipulate me into doubting my sense of reality and intuitive judgments. this informant and former former therapist passed this information along to the psychiatrist i was writing about in this post. she informed my current therapist that she knows what i have been writing in my blog posts. since i am an identity who on paper does not exist it is pretty pretty interesting that someone i do not know nor who should have no clue to who i am feels that they actually know who i am. i feel like capt. yossarian in the joseph heller novel ‘catch-22’ i exist therefore i am but i do not exist therefore who the hell thinks they know me. i can’t fly if i am crazy but i am crazy if i want to fly; and not wanting to fly proves that i am sane.

just what every stalked child who suffered child sexual abuse wants to feel.

the rest is the original post in which i have made some modifications.

where to begin: i have multiple diagnoses and recently found out that one of them is manic depression/bipolar (which was recorded many years ago on my psych chart but no one told me). I also have the following diagnoses: DID/MPD; Panic Disorder; Agoraphobia; C-PTSD; Major Depressive Illness plus Anxiety Disorder. The problem that i am dealing with right now is i lost my therapist, “to lose one’s therapist may be regarded as misfortune to lose two is carelessness.” (paraphrasing oscar wilde.) which is causing me extreme levels of pain and sadness which is driving me mad. i started seeing a new therapist who i asked to check out my psych records and she discovered the Bipolar Diagnosis. She wasn’t surprised because during our sessions i would go into a manic state and it is like a roller coaster ride. Since i found out about this new/old diagnosis i have been doing research. in the past I’ve seen several psychiatrists and psychotherapists and not until now did anyone tell me this was what was causing my deep depressions and suicidal ideations and just as magically i would go into a manic episode and not sleep; suffering from sleep deprivation; forgetting to eat; talking rapidly; so many thoughts needing to be expressed; sudden high energies of creativity [i am a writer and a poet.] forgetting to take my meds; mixing them up; in the past wild spending; what i am trying to say is all the symptoms are there but i have a psychiatrist who (one) told my medical provider that i am imagining my DID (was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist earlier on in my life and have all the signs of DID/MPD) and now when i asked her to alter my meds to help deal with my manic depression she told me that i did not have bipolar disorder. that it was the trauma i suffered in my life that was causing all these symptoms. Her reasoning is that i have never exhibited my symptoms in her office. well my therapist told me today that i am bipolar and my partner has witnessed all of this behavior including the DID. she’s met my alters over the years. they would switch out all the time around her without any awareness by me. i wasn’t told i had DID/MPD until several years ago. she has also witnessed the bipolar. my new therapist sees me twice a week and i am manic as hell. she told me that my psychiatrist never witnessed this behavior because for such a long time i have been totally unemotional after having a major mental and emotional breakdown. so except for the deep depressions and feelings of suicide and thinking about how i would do it to the point that my partner would hide the knives i felt nothing. but when i started seeing the therapist before her, she was working with me and she was starting to bring to the surface my emotions. we worked together to break through the barriers i had built up to protect myself from feeling pain and now after she abandoned me my emotions are in full release mode. when i get depressed it is so severe that i want to kill myself. this occurs several times a week and sometimes several times a day. i never know how i will feel or what will trigger my mood changes. i have a difficult time remembering what i have even done during the times of my manic episodes which lead to high levels of creativity and euphoria and i become so engaged in my projects. on any given day i never know what it is i will be doing but i cannot stop once i get started, unless my body just gives out and i find that i have lost consciousness because i am so exhausted. now to the question: what do i do with a psychiatrist who does not acknowledge my diagnoses and just tells me to set alarms and just go to bed on time. i do not feel i have any control over that. i’m not crazy about the idea of taking anymore meds than i do and i take a great many psych and medical medications 6 times a day and over 20 pills a day, one of which is an anti-depressant. from what i have read taking an anti-depressant without a mood stabilizer acerbates the manic states. i see my psychiatrist soon. she will not do anything for me until we meet ftf (face to face) but the last several times we have met we have just argued and the last time we met i was in a suicidal state which she caused to make more severe. i use to trust her but i am feeling she just doesn’t get me and is unaware of how she most recently effected me. i am suicidal quite a bit and depressed but i am on an anti-depressant and have been on different ones over the past many years. before that i use to self medicate with marijuana from the time i was a teenager and alcohol and other mind altering drugs. there is bipolar in my family. my younger brother has been diagnosed with it and with paranoid schizophrenia and my uncle committed suicide by shooting himself in the head, just like ernest hemingway. he may have been a fan, i really don’t know, my aunt died in a mental institution in her late 40s and my mother was completely off the f@#king wall emotionally and extremely abusive and emotionally unpredictable. I am at a loss. My therapist will be seeing my psychiatrist at an all group meeting for the counseling center i go to and plans on speaking with her. my new therapist said that i am starting to have emotions and i am expressing them. the dam has broken.

i want to add to my previous comment that i have seen a multitudinous number of psychotherapists since i was 19 and quite a large number of psychiatrists, one who actually had a nervous breakdown while treating me and prescribing the wrong medication which caused me to overdose. needed the emergency room on that one because after drinking my lunch and popping the pills he prescribed that were not relieving my anxiety which is what they were suppose to do i became more and more agitated so that when i got back to work one of my alters crawled under the desk and wouldn’t come out. this was long before we knew anything about the DID/MPD. Before and since then we have acted on 3 suicide attempts and have been in danger of doing physical harm to ourselves and have thoughts of suicide on a regular and continual basis.

to add to all this my best friend who died suddenly at a young age from unknown causes whom i met at the same time as the therapist i was seeing before my current one. together the three of us became very close and we had a continuing connection through texting and phone calls and i would always run into her at the counseling center where we both met our own therapists. she was the only person i trusted sharing my feelings with and she was helping me through the loss of my former therapist until she died. my new therapist had to break the news to me over the telephone after leaving me a cryptic message on my voicemail earlier on the same day: “there is something i want to talk to you about.” i immediately jumped to the conclusion that i had done something terribly wrong and she wanted to terminate therapy with me. when we finally connected she told me she had bad news to tell me. my mind went in every direction. first thought was that something terrible had happened to my former therapist that i loved so much and missed so much. my second thought was that she really was going to end our therapeutic relationship but the worse news was yet to come when she said the name of my friend and that she had died. it was like hearing an echo from a distance. i know i heard the name wrong and said oh no not her. i thought she said the name of my former therapist but then it came streaming into my consciousness that it was my friend who had died. there was no relief in any of this, just shock and disbelief. i couldn’t imagine my friend not being there. earlier that morning around 3am i was going to text her but then i remembered she had told me that her cell phone would wake her up so i put it off and told myself that i would text her or call her later in the day after i got some sleep. now i wish i had texted her. maybe i would have woken her up and she would not have died. whatever had killed her might have been chased away. i think it was an aneurysm. she had been having headaches for a very long time and no one seemed to be able to find out what was the problem. she is gone now. i never got to tell her about the bipolar but maybe she figured it out. my partner did before i ever told her. we did share an abusive childhood and DID/MPD. she lived a difficult life but she had two young girls that she really loved. they will also miss her. and she had many friends she made through the counseling center we both visited often. i’ll never see her face again. she was the only one any of us trusted there. everyone else scared us or made us feel uncomfortable.

so where do i go from here. i write my poems; collect my quotes; write my manuscript; work on my other writing projects with the help of all of us inside and i work with my new therapist to try to get help for all the madness that i have to work through.

7 thoughts on “my psychiatrist is spying on me and i’m not paranoid

  1. Sandy Sue
    Submitted on 2011/05/30 at 9:56 pm
    I hear how much you’re grieving and how discouraged you are. And, I hear that there are some positive things happening in your life as well.
    Your current therapist sounds like a great advocate for you and someone you can really work with. Does she have any advice on how to talk to your doctor? Maybe you two could figure out a plan of attack, a way to be sure you relay all the relevant information to your doc and ask for what you need. Could your partner go with you to your appointment in June? It always helps me to have a buddy to remember the things I forget.
    Does your therapist think this doc is the right one for you? I know how hard it is to start over with another provider, but that’s always an option. Use your therapist. Get her opinions and suggestions.
    You’re not alone.


    • the secret keeper says:
      • June 9, 2011, 8:11 pm at 8:11 pm (Edit)
      • May 31, 2011, 4:28 pm at 4:28 pm (Edit)
      • i listened to what you wrote and brought up your points with my therapist. she was surprised when i expressed wanting to possibly change my psychiatrist if something major doesn’t happen soon. for far too long i have been on the wrong medications. we also discussed when i felt the manic depression started. i kind of surprised her and myself on what i told her. she brings out the totally uncensored self in me. it did help her to gain a greater understanding of what we are dealing with and the urgent need that something be down. i did ask my partner if she would come with me to my appointment next week. she agreed if my therapist felt it was a good idea. i see my therapist again tomorrow, wednesday to talk more. i also have short term memory loss so have a very difficult time with recall of anything that is said but i do know i am going to be insistent about getting my meds regulated. i really appreciate your input and that you took the time to read and respond to my post. your comment was really encouraging. and thank you for saying “you’re not alone”. that means a lot to me ~jen~
      change of url: follow comment to find new one 6.9.11


  2. If your partner is involved in your healing journey, she/he might benefit from my blog. What I’m doing with my wife, I believe, has made all the difference in the world. I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now. But know this, YOU do exist and YOU are important. I rejoice everytime a new girl comes out of hiding inside my wife.



    • what wonderful things you have said to me. it has been very painful more so much more lately it seems. i would definitely like to check out your blog and subscribe. tonight i have added more meaningful music videos to one of my posts with lie butterflies. i’d like to get to know hoe you and your wife work on your relationship. my partner is a woman and she tries to be supportive but i can be pretty maddening sometimes. i try to be good but its not always easy. lots of alters and manic-depression through into the mix of else.thing else. well i’ll click on your blog address and say hello. thanks.~jen~


  3. my defender has been reactivated more so lately. lots of threats around us. he’s a teenage boy who is really tough and had to be created to stand up to everyone. my partner has seen him be very angry and sometimes so defensive for everyone. i find that some of the alters do not feel they are in the relationship with my partner. all my alters are so different. my partner, she has a hard time dealing with the latest development. we have short term memory problems added onto our DID/MPD we are also manic-depressive. the m/d just exploded recently into manic mood. so it gets confusing who or what is happening inside of us. the mania drives s. crazy and gives me so much energy that i do not sleep. my psychiatrist still does not believe us but she has subscribed a med and just increased it 3 days after we started taking it. so something must be clicking in her head. last night we got triggered by seeing our wish list on there were alot of books on abuse recovery. something set us off. how did you become so understanding. s. finds it hard to cope with my needs and there are many but i try to go it alone. i wish s, were like you but she has been toughened by out behavior over the years and has lost some of her gentleness and understanding. don’t get me wrong she takes good care of me but i don’t so well with grumpy and her answering the intercom with the word: “WHAT!!!” not a good sound the way she says it. it is difficult being us. and can be maddening even to our self. live in our head sometime, i’d like to see you be sane as i am. at least i have my new meds and they are slowly starting to help. now i just need to get some sleep more than just a few hours a day. ~jen~


    • we meant to say prescribed some meds we researched and she gave in to what we felt we needed. tricky though she let us choose the dosage and it was so strong that it knocked us out for 14 hrs. since lowered the dosage. now up to 3x bid at a lower level does.


Leave a Comment

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.